The End Of An Era
4 minute read
NOTE: this was written after talking to my exwife for a divorce
Yesterday was a pretty emotional day. Sparing the details, I took the initiative to move forward with something that needs to be done. I had spent last week worrying, thinking about it, and not sleeping, but after I took action, I slept like a damn baby last night. (I wonder if a lot of my insomnia is from a lack of action? <– I bet it is.) I will be better once it is done (and I can write more about the details then – it is best if I keep this one to myself and my friends for now). I also binge ate my feelings, which is one of my greatest weaknesses, but thankfully I manage my binge eating better now than I have ever before (and I can keep a relatively low bodyfat). I hope one day to heal myself enough where I can eat to live and not eat when I need to feel good. I am grateful that food is my drug of choice – I have had friends and seen others where worse substances are their drugs of choice. I also realize that I very much tie my feelings of food with love, which is also a very human thing. Food is family, love, support, etc. <– Another thing to be aware of especially for myself.
Related to all that, I have been re-reading No More Mr. Nice Guy – a book that is speaking even more to me now than ever before (and when I listened to it last summer). I reflected for 4-5hrs this past Saturday on previous relationships, and I realized how little I thought of myself to endure those shitty relationships (and even non-relationships of my crushes). I lacked a backbone – assertiveness, confidence – and I [allowed myself to be] hurt in the process. The book has really helped me understand how better I can be respectful yet still confident (sometimes dominant) and assertive. Reflecting more on my previous post about bar crawl girl…
I realized that I should have took more action and been more dominant. Dominant in that I could have directed her even more (so far as conversation or sexual topics, staying at a bar instead of moving, holding my hand, telling her to look me into the eyes, etc.). I do not regret failing to do those things, but I realize there is a sort of “soft” dominance that I think plays really well into who I am now and can grow into. Being dominant leads (but not wholly controls) the interaction. The feel-good emotions and feelings from talking to an open, cute girl are nice, but ultimately empty when not paired with proper action and intimacy. I see that more now considering how unresponsive she is texting me – not the end of the world, and sure she is busy – but I know she is not that busy. After seeing all her videos and photos of her workout ass shots, I know she is on her phone like any other girl (or person for that matter). That is a sort of soft rejection in the sense of my failure to act – to incite into her a desire for me. This is great feedback. She has been the most responsive so far (hence I have done the “best” with her), but I can do a lot better, especially with building that emotional investment and sexualizing. I will keep in contact with her and keep pushing to meet, dance, hang-out, etc. without being clingy, but I will also keep going out. I need more practice and experience, so I can shed the friend, Nice Guy-frame that I refuse to be trapped in.