Notes from Couple's Therapy
Intro The following are a collection of notes from couple’s therapy that I attended over 6 months, roughly divided into different sections. These are not meant to be indicative of anything. Details Resentment and Feedback Check in before giving feedback and initiating conflict discussion: “Can we talk about something?” Be gentle in addressing defensiveness. Focus on one’s own feelings: “I feel tense now. Is something going on?” Softening start-up: “Overall, you have been great at ____ lately, and … TOPIC” Seek to understand; multiple things can be true at once Difference between: endorsement (agreement/support of behavior) and validation (paraphrase to understand but not necessarily condone) When receiving feedback, validate (paraphrase) without qualification: “…but I did not mean it that way” Intent AND Impact: avoid defensiveness Unprocessed pain and concern builds resentment – process (communicate) these feelings as soon as possible (does not have to be immediate, but that is ideal) Is this about me or my lover? My Relationship Needs someone who supports me (allows me my freedom) and can also tell me when I am wrong physical companionship someone who is not a victim in her life story someone who is not ashamed of me someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt, allows me to make my own mistakes and be human, and gives me grace to admit those mistakes someone who has a life-long commitment to growth someone who cultivates a level of relationship stability Empathizing dang that sucks educated guess… “Do feel this…?” reflect/mirror their words communicate before taking drastic action try not to catastrophize frame (warm) serious conversations beforehand ask open-ended questions without an end-goal rephrase loaded questions Her needs ask about each other curiosities make observations challenge assumptions priorities what should I ask more about? My Thoughts give a charitable interpretation when assuming but ask for clarification to avoid assuming 1 emotional topic per conversation