Intro

WITHOUT A DOUBT, the best part of a relationship is the connection, but what exactly is a connection? To me, it’s the many facets of a relationship: emotions, sex, communication, memories, challenges, fun, etc. – but you know it best by how it FEELS. The connection is something mostly immeasurable, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do something to deepen it.

When it’s good, it’s good. And when it’s bad, it’s bad. There is no doubt – you feel it and therefore you know it.

Details

Many people, including myself before, think that relationships take a lot of effort but also that the relationships just maintain themselves. This can be very paradoxical. I was very reactive to problems but hardly ever proactive – I would only talk about issues until they arose (i.e. boiled over or blew up). And by the time they boiled over, it was usually too late to have a simple conversation or resolution. Then, in this heightened emotional outpour, the important things were talked about, but often in overly emotional ways that only upset and hurt us.

I’m talking vaguely here, but I’m sure you get the picture. I was communicating in the same limited way I had seen my parents during their marriage – waiting until one person got extremely upset, letting the anger and frustration flow out, attacking each other, and ending when they were both tired but unresolved.

After living many years in this same pattern, I was exhausted from having no idea how to handle things and often feeling less emotional than my lover. Why was I so numb? After more time, I realized I wasn’t numb but afraid – I preferred to run away or ignore whatever problems there were for fear of pain, anger, and/or violence.

And then I resolved to be afraid no more.

Having felt very much lost in maintaining and leading romantic relationships previously, I found a mentor who talked a lot about healthy relationships and sex. By utilizing these super simple questions, communication became a healthy, normal thing for me with my partners. I am so much better than before and continue improving this aspect.

So what is the secret? Weekly relationship check-ins or brief, directed talks about the relationship, even when things and emotions are going well.

Action

The Checkin

In this video, Andy (a relationship coach) starts in the context of accountability partners for working on goals. At the start timestamps, he talks about example questions that he and his lover use in their relationship. The full video is worth the watch, but it starts at the moment of specific questions that can be used.

A key point is to customize the questions to you and your relationship, but you can start with the example questions below and then modify them over time.

• Reference: https://killyourinnerloser.com/weekly-check-ins/

Example Checkin Questions

Notice that many of these are “we-framed” where the questions are asked in the context of “we” or “us.” Again, some of these questions are general accountability, but I believe they can be used in or adapted to any context.

At a very high level, these are the questions:

1. Did we do what we said we would do this week?
2. If not, what will we change to make this next week better?
3. What were our successes?
4. What do we want to work on next week?

My recommendation: Read through all the below categories, pick 3 questions, both people add a weekly calendar reminder (remember “we” is not one-sided), and start asking each other your questions. Over time, you’ll naturally adapt them to what you need.

Relationship Accountability & Progress

5. Did we follow through on what we said we would do this week?
6. If not, what got in the way, and how can we fix it for next week?
7. What were our biggest successes as a couple this week?
8. What personal wins did we have that we should celebrate together?

Goal Setting & Improvement

9. What are our individual goals for next week?
10. How can we support each other in achieving those goals?
11. Is there something we need to adjust or prioritize in our schedules?

Relationship & Connection

12. Have we been showing appreciation and affection toward each other?
13. Did we make time for quality time together? If not, how can we improve?
14. Have we been honest and open in our communication this week?
15. Have we supported each other emotionally through any challenges?

Personal Development & Mindset

16. Have we been living in the moment and enjoying where we are?
17. Are we being too hard on ourselves, and do we need to shift our perspective?
18. Are we focusing on what we do want in our lives rather than what we don’t want?
19. Have we been practicing optimism and challenging negative thoughts?

Fun & Enjoyment

20. Did we do something fun together this week?
21. What is one exciting thing we can schedule for next week?
22. Are we making space for playfulness and laughter in our relationship?

Well-being & Health

23. Have we been prioritizing our health and well-being?
24. Is there anything we can do to improve our daily habits (exercise, sleep, mindfulness)?
25. Have we been taking care of ourselves in a way that benefits our relationship?

Additional Videos

An extra video for more ideas to build a good relationship: