Intro

Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism… Isn’t that the weird, rough sex that I read or heard about that one time?

No, but I understand why you might think that. I used to think that too before getting into it. It repelled me – all those gross images of… stuff, but I eventually came to learn that I could define or make BDSM my own: hence, it is only creepy or weird if I make it to be.

My Journey into the Dungeon

My journey into BDSM started with the decline of my marriage and a lifelong insecurity of having no idea what I was doing sex-wise or women-wise. For quite a long time, I always wanted to bring to life the naughty things in porn I had seen all my life but that seemed only fantasy. Beyond that, I began to search around on the internet and found various interesting writers who communicated desires and fantasies that I had felt or wanted for quite some time while being too scared and unsure how to communicate them. BDSM gave me the control over my sexuality and desire that I felt I had never had. Instead of my male sex drive being a shameful burden or dirty secret as it was for most of my life – it could finally be a healthy motivation to bring me greater satisfaction and deeper connection.

Reading about many facets of BDSM helped inspire and develop me into a loving Dom who connected and satisfied my lovers more deeply than I could have ever thought. I felt less and less like a bumbling idiot in the bedroom and more and more like a sexy, powerful, and attractive man. After almost 30 years of life, I could finally be happy and proud of my sexuality and skills while working to let go of my shame. I had control and agency.

And most importantly, I stopped only thinking with ONLY my body and my dick – but then added much more with my mind. And after opening this new pathway, I felt I had learned some special, dark-arts secrets to the love and sex I had always craved.

I hope you do, too.

Details

Think of those hot, naughty desires in the back of your head. Yes, those that you have been afraid to confront for many years. Maybe the ones that seem socially unpalatable or borderline immoral. There is a healthy and moral way you can enjoy those. Shame is a hell of a burden. This simple introduction will help you open up, and from there, you can find and build your own journey. For starters, the details here are light and the Action is the more important part here (as in taking some tests, reflecting, and communicating those desires).

There are many resources, but I will highlight just the ones that have been crucial to me and/or I have shared with friends, clients, and others – the most impactful.

Action

Start with a simple reading and quiz. Some of the questions might be overwhelming but do your best to be open – you don’t have to like everything. The point of this is to open your world and help you find what you like and don’t (and those emotions you feel will guide you).

If you want to send any of this to a lover, there are prompts below to help frame these guides – but make sure you mean the words that you send. Ideally, you should also do these first yourself.

Step 1: Intro and Reflection

Before discussing with a lover, take time to explore and reflect on your own desires and fantasies. This quick intro helps frame BDSM in a more palatable light when first starting:

• Resource: 5 Ways to Start BDSM

Then, create a “sexual bucket list” to explore your dirtiest fantasies, thoughts, and desires. Use this as a starting point for self-reflection and potential ideas to share. If you find this too open-ended right now, take some of the quizzes in Step 2 and return back to the bucket list.

You can see my own Bucketlist as an example.

You can send this prompt and link to a lover:

Write a bucket list of things you’d like to try or have always fantasized about in the bedroom. These can be big or small things, complex or even something as simple as “I like having my shoulder bitten”. I won’t judge anything you’re into, even if it’s really fucked up. We’ll talk through them and tick them off. Of course, I’ll share mine after you finish yours.

• Resource: Sexual Bucket List Guide

Step 2: Questionnaires

These can be taken alone or together with someone else to start talking about sex. I find these are helpful to bring up questions: “What in the world is X?”, etc. that start conversations, get some laughs or intrigues, and open everyone up. These are almost more guides because they are quizzes, so it is less open-ended than reading an article.

You can send this prompt and link to a lover:

Please take the tests when you can. I’ll be open-minded and honest in our discussion and ask the same from you. Save your results (link and output). This will help us create a sex bucket list and discuss our interests when we’re together. If you don’t understand some terms or would rather wait until we see each other again to take it, that’s fine.

• Partner Exploration-Focused: https://carnalcalibration.com/en
• BDSM-Focused: https://www.bdsmtest.org/start

Sex Menus

The Sex Menu is a little more advanced in a Dom/sub context and meant to be filled out from your point of view for each activity (i.e. would you want to do this? – not from the perspective of anyone else). You and your lover can do it separately. It is longer and has more items, so I typically recommend it at a later date after having done the previous exercises and conversations first. However, if you are curious or enjoy more quizzes, give it a look as well:

• Dom/sub-Focused: https://kinkyevents.co.uk/free-resources-for-doms-and-subs/sex-menu-template/

Step 3: Talk with your Lover

At this point, an ideally face-to-face conversation should be easier – you have all the results and these articles and quizzes have already helped “warm up” the conversation.

• Openly discuss your thoughts, desires, and boundaries with your partner. The key here is: as best as possible: openly and honestly, without pressure to do any of these things, and without judgment – you don’t have to be perfect – just be patient with yourself and anyone else!
• Use the tools and results to guide a collaborative conversation about what you both might want to explore.
• For remote dynamics or relationships, read this additional resource:
  • BDSM Long-Distance Relationships: https://domsubliving.com/long-distance-relationship-rules-worksheet/

My Bucketlist

Alright you kinky, curious fiend, here’s an example of my Bucketlist that I have previously used and shared as a starting point with various lovers:

• Warm her up until almost orgasm (touch, kisses, heavy petting, praise, etc.), take her to a restaurant, sit at a booth, tease and finger her during the whole meal, tell her she’s such a good little naughty girl for being so wet at the restaurant, and go back home to fuck her senselessly.
• Have her wear a skirt and tank top (no panties or bra) with makeup to look like a pornstar, show her off in public, casually expose and grope her while teasing her, bonus for a butt plug or remotely controlled vibrator.
• Let her choke on my cock and facefuck her senselessly while complimenting her on how much of a sexy little naughty girl she is for enjoying choking on my dick… vibrate her pussy to associate facefucking with extreme satisfaction.
• Let her sit on my head and smother me while I enjoy eating her out until she tires and then we can 69. Encourage her to grind while sitting on top of me.
• Threesome MFF.
• Have her wearing a skirt, bent over [couch?], tied up, blindfolded, and ready for me to do what I please.
• Take pics or videos of her tied up and me dominating.
• Take professional, sexy photos (D/s, physique, toys).