Notes from Couple’s Therapy

The following are a collection of notes from couple’s therapy that I attended over 6 months, roughly divided into different sections. These are not meant to be indicative of anything.

Resentment and Feedback

• Check in before giving feedback and initiating conflict discussion: “Can we talk about something?”
• Be gentle in addressing defensiveness. Focus on one’s own feelings: “I feel tense now. Is something going on?”
  • Softening start-up: “Overall, you have been great at ____ lately, and … ”
• Seek to understand; multiple things can be true at once
• Difference between: endorsement (agreement/support of behavior) and validation (paraphrase to understand but not necessarily condone)
• When receiving feedback, validate (paraphrase) without qualification: “…but I did not mean it that way”
• Intent AND Impact: avoid defensiveness
• Unprocessed pain and concern builds resentment – process (communicate) these feelings as soon as possible (does not have to be immediate, but that is ideal)
• Is this about me or my lover?

My Relationship Needs:

• someone who supports me (allows me my freedom) and can also tell me when I am wrong
• physical companionship
• someone who is not a victim in her life story
• someone who is not ashamed of me
• someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt, allows me to make my own mistakes and be human, and gives me grace to admit those mistakes
• someone who has a life-long commitment to growth
• someone who cultivates a level of relationship stability

Empathizing:

• dang that sucks
• educated guess… “Do feel this…?”
• reflect/mirror their words

• communicate before taking drastic action
• try not to catastrophize
• frame (warm) serious conversations beforehand
• ask open-ended questions without an end-goal
• rephrase loaded questions

Her needs:

• ask about each other
• curiosities
• make observations
• challenge assumptions
• priorities
• what should I ask more about?

• give a charitable interpretation when assuming but ask for clarification to avoid assuming

• 1 emotional topic per conversation
• i am flooded
• what are the needs for supportiveness and security

• shared meaning and values:
  • boundaries ; explicit (written) and communicated
  • roles (masculine & feminine)
  • values
• weekly relationship check-up
  • nature
  • how are we doing?
  • anything that upset us over the week?
  • temperature check (mood/emotions/thoughts)

• Are you venting or looking for advice?
  • venting: just listen
  • advice: give solutions

Big Yikes:

Feedback given to me from the therapist that sounded insane to me then and now. Obviously, this is missing some context and may not make sense, but the recommendations shocked me. Feedback unbolded and my own reaction bolded in the moment.

Going through these old notes, I realized how fucked the relationship was. Therapy catered to a very feminized way of communicating and empathizing that is frankly exhausting to me. Although I understand why it is bad quantify who was wronged or hurt more from every little conflict, I also think it is just as deleterious to overemphasize someone’s feelings over their actions/impacts/intentions. Some of my notes were about me asking more questions, having to soften my communication, having to prioritize someone else’s emotions over mine, etc. I will not pretend that my notes are wholly accurate of everything that we talked about, but I felt like I really gave a lot of effort to have it never be enough. Instead of me having to give so much, I am learning that I do not have to do so much so long as I am honest and frank about it. Giving too much (as I would argue some therapy goes for) is unsustainable. Being in the position that I am now is much harder but also more liberating. Anyways, I do not want to go into too much more details about all that.

• telling me not to be so emotional when listening to someone else’s talk or feelings <– denying my own emotions?
• objective reality does not exist <– or is it just unobservable? I do not believe in subjective reality
• protecting the other’s feelings <– be respectful but honesty/openness is better; otherwise, it is dishonest to not communicate my feelings (again prioritizing someone else’s feelings over my own)