How to be a Coach
5 minute read
I want to detail my idea on coaching to better organize my own thoughts and philosophy as well as give greater insights to others. There is a not a right or wrong answer to this – but rather a matter of style.
My Personal Philosophy
A coach helps a coachee to attain their goals. Oftentimes the greatest limiting factor is the coachee’s mental roadblocks or mindset, and the coach can help with these mental roadblocks. Or sometimes even with a good mindset, a coach can help to outsource the mental management of goals and tasks.
I believe that we all already possess the potential to achieve, but we cannot do this alone. A coach’s missions is not to fix or force anyone – but to be another person, on the coachee’s team, that can help. A coach can also give more specialized attention and action-driven advice. This is contrasted with most friendships or romantic connections that usually maximize the maintenance of said friendship or romance.
There are very few things that we can truly do alone in life – why think any differently for goals?
How to Start Coaching
Coach to Coachee
Again in my philosophy, my role is not to have all the right answers.
Sure, my experience and knowledge helps, but those do not override the importance of coaching: LISTEN first to UNDERSTAND. Instead of guessing, assuming, projecting or giving advice, just give what the coachee wants. This is discovered through asking. Every coachee will have a different idea of coaching in mind, and my job is to tailor to that.
I don’t mean for this to sound condescending, but in general life coaching, it is hard or impossible to be an expert of everything. The better goal is to think of how to better or challenge the thought process of the coachee.
Negative thought or framing? – challenge the truthfulness or usefulness of such thoughts. Do these negative thoughts serve the person I am trying to help? Can they even be true or is there a bias? Does this particular thought motivate the person to take action or freeze up in fear, sadness, hurt, etc.?
Now beyond that, more untangling of ideas and thoughts continue – the goal is not to know everything nor be a simple chatbot (asking simple questions and giving simple responses).
I ask:
- What would you like from me?
- How can I help you?
- What are you struggling with?
- What are 3 reasons that this [negative idea] can be a good thing?
And I respond:
Well, these are more of vague guidelines, but that is the secret: again, tailor the response as needed:
- Listen first, then give advice – maybe the coachee already knows the advice but is telling themselves “No”
- Answer in a humble way or “mirror” the dialogue (“this sounds to me that X”)
- There is no “right” thing to say
- It’s not my job to tell someone what to do (they must want it themselves first) but to challenge or help them through their thinking
Mother Theresa Mindset
An even more abstract way of approaching coaching is less mechanical and more personal. How do you think Jesus, Mother Theresa, Buddha, etc. approach this?
Mother Theresa supposedly approached her life with the mindset of:
“I am the vessel to help channel the love of the other person back into them. I’m not fixing anything – no one is broken. The greatest good that any one person can do is:”
- go home and love one’s family
- give and give and give (love)
- help the person that is physically there, face-to-face
Getting Experience
There are many great ways to practice listening and “be” a coach. For me, the easiest way has been to talk about my experiences in life (military, software, bartending, marriage, divorce, fitness, marathons, travel, relationships, learning a new language, moving to a foreign country, etc.) in a very open and vulnerable way – and to express my desires and plans for the future, even if the idea is not clear in this moment. And just as importantly, to admit my mistakes, failures, faults, and more. This has gained me a greater level of trust and built rapport.
From there, I try to avoid offering advice (though sometimes I accidentally do). Rather, I try to ask questions, mirror their words, or even probe more (Why? How? or make inferences like: “That sounds difficult to overcome”, etc.). After a while, people just started asking me about my life or what they should do in a given situation. These people, often friends, knew of my desire to be a mentor or coach, so I made sure to frame my advice in this context – sometimes blatantly directly. Again the key is: demonstrate your own value and wisdom in a proper way and not to force your viewpoint or advice onto the other person).
Start by:
- Practicing giving and being there for friends, family, and strangers
- Probably will have to start out giving for free – maybe can turn into business after enough experience and reputation
- SAVE ANSWERS of common questions or FAQ –> Turn answers into articles
- collect testimonials
- you don’t have to wait… start now
Forums and Groups
Beyond friends and family, there are plenty of grounds for practicing listening and advice-giving on the Internet. At the current moment, I have only practiced in more private forums and closed groups but not Reddit. Reddit was recommended to me as a more accessible and generalized public area, so I have included it here for the general audience.
Once you delve more into this realm, you will encounter your niche and community better that fits better with your own style and philosophy.
Easy Start: Reddit
Use Reddit as a testing ground for writing and communicating but note that Reddit is frequently toxic and/or helpless within its own communities. This can still be good practice, but I would recommend to not get too stuck here.
In these subreddits, keep in mind:
- sort the subreddit by Newest
- Respond with encouragement to new posts: Good job opening up and asking…
Good for general goals:
- r/getdisciplined
- r/letsgetmotivated
Maybe w/ caution in the realm of dating:
- r/asktrp
- r/letsgetlaid
- r/relationship