Im Not Sad Or Depressed I Just Havent Slept Good

All right, so we’re kind of bookmarked this because I had a positive Life Update maybe 2 to 3 weeks ago and I’m still doing good. But this is interesting. This is like a meta Matrix level breakout.

I felt terrible. I felt like it was depressed lethargic tired feel like shit. Um, I can’t think, Spanish was like more difficult when I’m in these states. But even sometimes talking in English as well, like I’m listening to some of my voice messages in English and my English is not good either. My English grammar is bad. But that that isn’t that isn’t a negative thing at all. I know I am not sad. I’m not depressed but I feel terrible. Why do I feel like that? Holy shit. All right, it’s super fucking simple. I don’t know why I am for whatever reason very sensitive sleepwise and I definitely have been fucking my sleep up these last few weeks and I think the big problem is I’m not getting enough sleep and my sleep schedule is shifting. Now I think just from my experience, when I was younger in the military, I can handle less sleep when I have a constant schedule, but when I don’t even have a constant schedule, that’s what the fucking me up because of my quality is fucked like I’m waking up bad.

There is yeah this feeling, and it’s almost like crazy because I physically and mentally feel terrible. Like I have no energy. I’m lethargic. I don’t want to do anything. I wanted to write earlier, I know deep down I wanted to, but cognitively I can’t because like I try to sit there and it’s like, oh fuck I can’t think, so I think this is good like fuck. I know my sleep is so important and it fucks me if I don’t.

It’s kind of tangential problem. Substances, so last night I drank a little bit actually not a little bit. I drank 3 beers Maybe. 2 to 3 shots Worth of rum, which is a lot for me, so I think it’s good. For me to know I mean, you know, I like having a drink every now and then but getting drunk just does not feel good anymore. Just doesn’t feel good. And then afterwards I just feel terrible and I get these like mini headaches very easily. I don’t know why, but that also probably why I’m even more like in a bad mood today. So yeah alcohol, I know my limit more or less. It’s 1 or 2 drinks anything more than that. I just exponentially start feeling terrible. And caffeine isn’t necessarily bad, but can start interrupting my sleep if I take it too much. So, it’s good and bad like it can help me get up in the morning, especially if I’m trying to like set a sleep schedule, but it could also fuck me, so It’s double-edged sword. Weed normally actually doesn’t bother me too bad. The only problem is the next day. I feel very low energy. Maybe not even depressed or sad just… unable to think or.

I really realized that my inability to think well influences how I feel.

And man what I’m just always fucking tired. I feel very fucking tired. My mood is so fucking low. And like I said, I know I know I’m not even necessarily sad or depressed long term or chronically. It’s a very acute like right in this moment thing. Like my sleep is fucked cuz when I get really good sleep, I feel fucking amazing feel fucking amazing.

I see it’s funny when we kind of getting out of breath. I’m not really just talking. So shifting sleeps good absolutely fucking not that does not work for me. That’s why night shift nearly killed me. When I used to have to do this, so absolutely not.

The thing of late getting up later: It’s okay, but I never feel that great. I feel at best just okay. I know waking up early is when I feel my best my only struggle is, I don’t fucking know how but here in Mexico, especially people are just very late night all fucking night long. I don’t know how the fuck they do that.

Think I’ve had it roughly figured. I think if I sleep for midnight to 7:00, that’s like a good window. That’s a rough window and I get shifted a little bit but not too much, right? That’s fine. Yeah, anything beyond midnight just fucking kills me with me.

I’m getting out of breath again. Another weird symptom I’ve noticed lately too is just like and I talked about like not being able to think or talk well, but also it’s just I’ve been getting very lightheaded lately. I know I’m relatively very active like I walk a lot around a lot. So it’s a eating thing partially, but I also very much feel this dizziness when I am tired and sleep deprived. I mean I feel dizzy like I’m losing my balance. I’m stumbling around. Sometimes I am almost losing consciousness – not exaclt per se but I can’t just walk in a straight line.

So anyway I’m saying I’ll just get all these fucking thoughts out of my head because I know the solution. And I know why. But just every now and then I get in these rough spots. This one is not even insomnia. Basically just bad lifestyle on my part of just staying up late. I just God I never I never fucking feel good doing any of that fucking shit. But when I feel good, it’s like I can perform I can be social I can talk to people I can have fun. I love doing all those things but it takes me a little bit of brain power. And if I don’t have the brain power to do it and I try to do it and I feel bad.

Just making a note of that and again like The Meta thing of just even if I feel sad or depressed I know: I know I’m actually not.

And it’s like I can feel one thing and know another thing. And I know this is different like beginning of the year. Absolutely I just would like to take care of myself. And get this under wraps maybe not even Under Wraps because I fall in and out of this and I would say that’s okay. Like I know what to do. I know what the problem is and what the solution is and ’s a good reminder. I’m a little older I’m not old, but I’m a little older but not fucking Superman no more. And if I really want to take care of myself, that’s what fucking older person does. Especially if I’m staying off drugs more or less Because I mean drugs can help with all that but just like drugs can keep you awake. It’s going to help you think. But you don’t get that for fucking free and then it’s kind of my point earlier.

Note to self: Sleep Important —