Worst Mood Swing
3 minute read
Note: This will be a little bit of rambling thoughts and just “getting them out there” over a recent bad mood swing
Yesterday was an interesting day. My plans fell apart (all day was supposed to be with my best friend in a different town, and I confirmed with him the night before) but such is Mexico and the Mexican way. Though this was for the best, I had a really bad mood swing yesterday. I used to have these a lot (say a couple of years ago), but this one was particularly powerful. I was able to get quite a bit done so far as: running, laundry, reading, etc. but I eventually felt so bad that being out in public was making me feel really awful and unfunctional (like I forgot my Spanish), so I came home.
I took a nap and laid in bed for quite a few hours: feeling extreme feelings of failure, loneliness, lost-ness, etc. I’d say for the first 1-2 hours in and out of sleep; I identified with these ideas – I WAS these ideas. But then I took a step back (or really felt like a step over/above), and asked myself if I was really these things or if I just felt them? I still felt horrible, but I slowly stopped identifying with the feelings and this helped quite a bit. I was able to just feel these things without telling myself my world was falling apart. I felt a lot better before I went to sleep last night.
I feel much better today – just very tired. I’d say emotionally exhausted from that and physically exhausted from running and exercising. It’s incredible to remember how I’d live many days in a row feeling like this in my past, and that I overindentified with the feelings to the degree that it tainted my view of life in a negative way. But this time – it only lasted 10hrs, and I at least “broke myself out” of the pattern for part of this time.
I’m about 15% through “Letting Go”, and I’m seeing the pattern with this book, “Loving What Is…”, and “How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World…”. I’m unsure if Enlightenment so-to-speak is anything but momentary, but I see how these books and their ideas focus on what “actions” (even if mental) that we can take to lower the suffering of these feelings. And how other certain actions (repression, suppression, or expression) are counterproductive. How we can shape our outlook and maybe even our reality to an extent. How if we hurt or suffer – we are making that choice to do so, even if that is just a little part of it. We can’t change everything, but what little bit we can has such a grand impact.
The goal isn’t to “cure” these sensations, but rather know that we have the choice: to suffer with them or to learn from them. I see how I, my ex, my parents, my friends, people around me, etc. have all suffered with these traps, thoughts, feelings, etc.