Big Wins For Me Asking For What I Want

Had a solid weekend with friends, parties, and my romantic stuff. I’m sick today, which I’m taking as a blessing and a sign to rest until I’m not anymore. Big win for the weekend, I talked even more honestly with my ladyfriend about my low libido and condoms issues and asked her to do some things for me. Big win because I’m comfortable in the Dom role, but I am working on asking for things for myself in the bedroom. I was able to unabashedly tell her these things, she was super supportive again, and helped me out a lot. We had a really fun time (maybe the best? and she could not keep herself off me the whole weekend).

On BDSM, I watched some videos and showed her my toys/tools (I thought I already had showed her but apparently not). I did some short demos on her, explained a lot of stuff, answered her questions, and she was super impressed. She is very excited to get together again to explore this, and I am super happy to have her being so open-minded and eager to let us progress and grow this (I’ve been practicing BDSM-lite for 1 year but struggled to find interested partners). I’m going to send her the BDSM quiz and sex bucketlist stuff today.

Related, she nearly cried while we were in a park earlier about how “this is so healthy” with the communication we have had since we opened up more to each other over a month ago. I nearly cried with her at some other point too. She was super thankful for the gratitude card I wrote her.

This all is uncharted yet beautiful territory for me being emotionally connected and honest outside of a labelled relationship and handling everything so well. I really feel my progress when looking back towards my past.

Read some of my Spanish love novel book aloud to my ladyfriend, we laughed at the cheesy lines (e.g. translated: “Can I put my snake into your orchid?” – lol who says this)… well even though this was stupid, we ended up in the bedroom after reading it


An addendum to my previous thoughts, I wanted to highlight how perceptive she can sometimes be whereas me not so much. I had asked her: “Is there anything you wanted to tell/ask me that you’ve been afraid or hesitant to do so?”

Many faces (“personalities”) - are these me or no. I’ve previously been a chameleon, as in adapting to any person or social situation. To be fair, I suppose I still do this but more than the “many faces” are more me depending on the social context or calibration. I feel like I’ve been better at having less faces overall than my past where I definitely was being disingenuous

Sad face (actual facial expression) - care for her and her future. Apparently, I give her a sad face when I look at her sometimes (I feel that I’m giving her a loving/concerned face but maybe that’s the same?). I believe this comes from my feelings of liking her, wanting her to have a good future, and having some level of worries for her reckless. I’ve been here before with my ex… I put some burden on myself that I can protect someone, but can I really? I think that although I would love to help her (be a caretaker/protector) avoid bad situations, this is ultimately out of my control. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings; I suppose just feel them? Express them? But don’t take action on them? I responded to this one, so she already knows how I feel on this

Harshness (in my behavior) when I was mad at her around friends - We had spent the whole weekend together already and accidentally got together again to watch a movie with a shared friend circle. I had some uncommunicated feelings and desires where I felt neglected through this time… but we are not in a relationship, so why do I expect her to give my attention during this time? I reacted badly by trying to distance myself from her and acting more abrasive than normal.

Super interesting that I felt all this, and she could see it – either she is very in-tune with my feelings or I acted badly and obviously enough to be noticed. This freaks me out a little – someone can read into me so much and/or I acted poorly because of them