Working On Healing

Tags:

  6 minute read  

I’ve been working various different avenues on being more mentally resilient, and I’ve felt a lot better and emotional (insofar as letting myself feel those emotions healthily) lately.

2 therapy sessions in, and I appreciate my therapist. I can cuss, tell her about crappy previous therapy experiences, be aware of all that, and she is still supportive of me being honest and imperfect. Next session we’re supposed to elect some memories to work through via EMDR since we agreed my problem isn’t awareness or feeling emotions, but rather having baggage from the past. I have a good feeling so far versus my previous experiences – being more open-minded and honest helps!

Coaching is going well. It’s helping me reframe some thoughts/experiences I have as well as motivating me to re-reading I Need Your Love while applying it to some thoughts. The process is slow, and that’s good – easy incremental progress day by day. Also, ChatGPT continues to be helpful to apply “The Work” to my own thoughts and situations.

In fact, ChatGPT helped me a lot with me and my situationship with my ladyfriend. We both were going to end it with each other, and ChatGPT helped me to realize how fucked some of my thoughts about her were. We’ve continued to open up, talk a lot, have a good time together, and be incredibly present. From my coaching group, I got some good feedback on how to build this into a healthy “whatever” – build something good and positive for our lives. Although we don’t see each other a lot, the usually full day a week that we spend together is very positive. I told her all that and we both expressed how we can both help each other more. It feels good to have the power/control/agency to build this into something good and not let it just flow (and flow into nothing). At least for me, I prefer to build and work on things, so I feel this is good practice for me (and a good experience for her).

Below are the random jumbled notes from these various discussions.

Notes for discussion w/ Ladyfriend

  • I like you, but I have a fear of going too quickly and repeating my past bad behaviors
  • Let’s try to grow together
  • It’s okay that we don’t entirely know what we want nor want to put labels on it

How exactly can I support you in feeling more loved and valued?

  • Physical touch
  • Words of affirmation

“I feel that I bring up my ex a lot – can you keep me accountable and let me know when I do that”

THANK YOU for being so patient with me while I work through processing my last year

Notes for myself from coaching

Group Call Format:

  • Big Win of the Week
  • Questions/challenge to work on

Self-acceptance of what is – replacing social pressure from mainstream and working to get rid of them

Focusing on who’s right or wrong doesn’t matter

  • what are my values and what am I optimizing for?
  • what am i putting my time towards?
  • concerning your time with others or debating them is often times not a good use of time

maybe optimizing for: not giving a shit and setting priorities

  • not caring can be liberating
  • even good advice can be overwhelming – save it and don’t get caught up on it

“i’m not better than you; i’m just earlier than you” – there might be other variables as well

Approach: Countdown and go or you’ll wait forever

Overthinking and making excuses

  • Fuck the theory – go and find out
  • Be honest, say what you want, pick what is easiest/most natural
  • Points game to gamify the process/social mode

Thinking of all the rejections is useless

Vibe: I will talk to everyone and women happen to be a part of it

  • Don’t try to be smooth

What are you going to do about it if you don’t move the date or interaction along?

  • everyone else is usually submissive waiting for it to happen and never make the move
  • say the things that you think because we’re all thinking the same thing

Don’t assume your thoughts are original

Questions:

  • Expectations for the group calls?
    • pretty open and set the expectations per group meeting
    • whatever i want in the moment for goals
  • Jump in to talk to others or stay quiet during? – how’s the dynamic
  • Any experience with residency in other countries?
    • forums or discord for residency
  • Question about ladyfriend – keep things unlabeled or direct the conversation to an open relationship?

Ideas:

  • set goals together to grow together
  • clarify goals of progress: self-improvement and goals
    • hey what are you goals?
    • what do you want to work on together?
    • here’s my insecurities and how i’ve worked on them?
  • actionable steps
  • get closer/more relationshippy ^^^ figure out what this means

What do I want?

Actionables for Ladyfriend:

  • Sexual bucketlist
  • Lifestyle bucketlist
  • Accountability partner (search videos – weekly questions: goals, what’s the progress, what more do we want, how do we improve what we have?)
  • Tell her what I want:
    • I like you but don’t want to go too quickly without repeating my past bad behaviours
    • let’s try to grow together
    • it’s okay that we don’t entirely know what we want

attaching to suffering/fear

  • letting my fear control me and playing to not lose (PLAY TO WIN) <– worse case, I’ll start over again and learn even more; walk through the worst steps again and really ask will it be that bad

ASK her how she perceives me in this moment? Say my thoughts to ask her

  • I feel that I bring up my ex a lot – can you keep me accountable and let me know when I do that

THANK YOU for being so patient with me while I work through processing my last year

FOCUS: What we do want?

Hung up on the ex

compliment the positive aspects without the negative

Emotions: what purpose is it that I remember the negative the experiences?

  • using my negative experience as a shield to avoid better hurt again and self-sabotage
  • be genuinely curios why I am “hung up” on the past (self-preservation – can i give myself safety and security)
  • labeling it a bad thing; focus on the good things and the wins that came from the relationship; express gratitude for the things that i learned
  • talking about my feelings is not a bad thing

3 reasons it’s a good OR bad thing as a mental exercise

  • when we label it a bad thing, we suffer and when label is good, we don’t suffer
  • GET ME THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE: principles, who i want to be, how can i be that now?
  • How do I want to be treated and how I do want to treat others? LABELS (negative) are not helpful