Healing From My Divorce

I realized I’ve had quite a few dreams lately about my ex, and they’re slowly shifting more positively than before. Even though I believe it’s best we don’t see each other, I realized as well how much I’ve burdened myself with her and the last year. Was all of our time really that bad? If so, why did I stay? Hint: It wasn’t as bad as I made it. Sure, there were parts I’d rather not re-live, but I let the negativity of the divorce rewrite so many good or neutral memories. Being with my ladyfriend, who is really just her more positive and Mexican counterpart**, helps me each time realize the good of what we had and what I do miss. I think that’s it – I was afraid to say I missed certain parts of my ex that I rewrote (emotionally) so many memories. It wasn’t intentional but in protecting myself from that pain… I really just gave myself more

**An aside, I don’t want to project so much of my past onto my new thing with my ladyfriend, but it just happens. I think instead of telling myself that’s good or bad, I’ll just try to keep learning from it and compliment her on the positives of it all (without associating her with my ex so much). She asked me during Spin the Bottle how often I think of my ex. I suppose that’s a sign that yes we can be open and honest with each other, but I’ve been talking too much about my ex. Amazing how patient she can be with all my bullshit

Other aside, the owner of my previous place came back from Europe, so I wasn’t able to get sum fucc. My ladyfriend and I just got half naked on the couch while dry humping and making out before the owner would make some noise elsewhere and unintentionally cockblock us. Again, it’s nice that we can enjoy our time together even if we don’t fuck. I feel like I’ve been experiencing such weird circumstances with women over the last year but a good weird. Sex isn’t always everything, but sometimes it is. There are some who will disappear quickly regardless of “good game” and others will hang around no matter how much I “fuck up”. Some will be 6 years older than me and others will be 10 years younger. Some will be from the other side of the planet and others won’t. Some will be deeply religious and not. Some will be a ONS and I’ll forget her name – others will be beautiful although short relationship. Holy shit I’m so blessed

She and I accidentally spent the whole weekend together: alone and with friends. Totally unplanned and lovely. I know this won’t be forever, but the moment of it all is nice

Dreams

  • Dance dream with exwife and ladyfriend – I initially remembered it more of a “fuck my exwife for leaving me again for some other dude” kind of dream, but really it’s more of that she’s better off with someone else as I am with ladyfriend
  • I had another one with talking to my ex about her Peru trip last summer (she had booked it before we split). She was fairly nice though not completely friendly – we talked in Spanish a bit. It was a more neutral/positive interaction (in my dream), and I was happy for her for her experiences and amazed by her Spanish. Beautiful little thing there – even if I don’t entirely like her, I can be happy for her. Tangentially related, she had some friends with her, and they were enamored with me and wanted to fuck me lol. I like that I give myself that validation in my dream, but hey it was nice

Journaling, coaching, therapy, and even my fucking dreams seem to keep pointing me in a good direction. I’m happy where I am at now, and I look forward to putting in the werk more in the future