Riding The Upswing Of Openness And Vulnerability In Love
4 minute read
TLDR: Everyone has their own style, but I swear that me being: open, honest, direct, and vulnerable keeps paying dividends in my friendships and romantic relationships.
What’s up folks. I took off a coupleish weeks here to focus a bit. After taking a nice journey, I had the realization and reinforcement that I need to take action – as I already logged here. No really – my journey just told me that I’ve been afraid of the HARD WORK, and that I need to work to embrace it rather than run from it.
Previously in this log, I was having a sorta meltdown with just a lot of thoughts and being emotionally confused with my current situationship. As always, I just talked to her openly and honestly – with full intention of breaking it off – and it healed a lot of things. Turns out – we both had been feeling off and uncomfortable the first month-ish while seeing each other. She and I nearly planned to break it off with each other damn near the same day, but I accidentally invited her to my last house party and she wanted to come. Well thank goodness I did…
She ended up drinking too much and staying over that night of the party. We laid in bed, both hungover, and talked a little. That was just enough to keep us on life support. Then, this last Saturday, we spent nearly 12 hrs together – being present, having fun, ice skating, laying in a hammock, and finally at night: talking deeply. I was open with her about being in a bad mental spot, still hurt and focused, all while still liking her a lot. I apologized for not being upfront with all that beforehand. Contrary to the some popular advice and even my own life experience too, we haven’t had sex (though have been sexual), and it really hasn’t hurt whatever this is. She thanked me a lot for my honesty and agreed we both have been defensive in protecting ourselves from being hurt again. I thanked her (and my journey) for helping me realize that I need to try therapy again, even if I don’t like it, to really put forth the effort to heal post-divorce. Again, she was super impressed and complimented me. I complimented her for being so patient and understanding. She still reminds me a lot of my exwife in so many ways it’s insane, but I realized this beautiful thing:
I feel this is my second chance to relive/remember experiences, good or bad, from my exwife and reframe and rework those into a positive experience NOW. My exGF helped heal me in ways of not being so overly cynical of women and relationships while realizing that I can find people who care about me. Now my ladyfriend gives me grace and patience in situations where I remember bad things from my exwife, but I realize I have the power and control to handle and react better THIS TIME than the previous time when I younger and unsure of how to handle these dynamics.
I do like her a lot. She speaks English and Spanish. Is incredibly sweet and caring, and this could end tomorrow, and I would be sad but not devasted. We are working to keep the pressure and uncommunicated expectations off of us while enjoying our time.
This is a beautiful thing.
This has also made me question myself a lot. Was my relationship and divorce really as bad as I say – OR is that a story I’ve been telling myself instead to cope with my feelings? It is obvious to me now; I can work to appreciate my past marriage and ex while reworking some of the negative memories. I WANT this, and I have the help of my friends, lovers, therapy, journaling, and coaching to help me through this all. I WANT to succeed and carrying this negativity around with me has NOT helped me. Who cares who was right or wrong? I want to learn and grow from that experience and be a BETTER man from it.
And being a better and healed man, I can enjoy truly the time and experiences that I have going forward. We spend almost all of Tuesday together: Korean food, walking, talking, hammock laying, and many sweet kisses. She said the last 2 dates we’ve had have been great. I can really tell that I, her, and us both have relaxed a lot together. I’m not playing this stupid game anymore; I’m going to continue being myself.
I have no idea where this will go, but for the time being, I will enjoy it. We are spending tomorrow together, and we’re going to cook together and talk more. I’ve avoided initiating sex for lack of libido and some fear, but tomorrow, I will see how I feel and give it a go. We have a great potential to be together and bring positivity to our lives.