Braindump Love Life Libido

Braindump Post: emptying some of the recent thoughts I’ve had

I think I’m gonna start a BrainDump series to talk about my anxieties without framing it so negatively. Maybe it’s a limit of my own thinking, but anxiety sounds negative. Braindump sounds like that – just some stuff I need to get out of my head.

My recent “whatever-ship” with my ladyfriend has had me thinking a lot. This is good, bad, my fault, and her fault. I’m starting to come to terms with the whole thing. She’s literally the Mexican version of my exwife, not in all ways but enough. And not even in necessarily bad ways, but she says some things that literally give me flashbacks to negative memories of my exwife. Typically libtard shit like talking about gender, white privilege, gentrification, etc. (all things that really excite me); we talk jokingly, but I’m sensitive to these topics unfortunately because they remind me of every argument my ex and I had about them. The similarity puts me in a fucked head state. On top of that, she is just as insecure, anxious, nervous, etc. as my ex, which makes me feel those things and doesn’t really do much good for my headstate. Now it would be great for me to not be affected by all that, but I think I need to trust myself on this. I feel these things for a reason; I’ve been here before. Part of me enjoys it and the other part gets freaked out.

I truly enjoy our time together, I don’t want to fuck, I like fooling around with her, talking, dancing, cuddling, etc. For some reason, she still comes around. I can tell that if I was more masculine, dominant (non-sexually) I could lead her into positive behaviors, but something about the association with my ex makes my head melt. She also doesn’t respond well to my more masculine behaviors (as compared to literally every other girl I’ve been with except my exwife), and I at times doubt myself <– Am I pushing too much? Am I domineering instead of leading?

There’s something really to be said here about chemistry. I’m in-between trying to figure out if I’m in a bad state right now (I am) or if we absolutely are not compatible sexually/romantically no matter how much my idiot brain says we should be archetype-wise. I mean she dresses in a way I like, she has dyed hair, is “open-minded”, intelligent, nerdy, cute, etc… and I literally feel nothing. Again, I overthink why my dick isn’t working… but I think it’s less a physical problem or rather a physical-mental but mostly mental thing (duh).

I have no idea what to do with her. She’s the sister and friend of some friends, so to an extent – I can’t be too indelicate.

Sometimes, I think I should braindump on her (have already partially done so), be brutally honest with her, scare her away, and hermitmaxx for a little bit to work through whatever the fuck this is.

Other times, I project my situation onto someone else’s posts and wonder if I should keep her around and work through this shit together and turn her into my bisexual sex partner.

Man, what delusions my ole brain gives me!

Maybe it’s not even me per se – I was feeling good and fucking the shit out of my exGF month ago. Me and her were organically better matched in damn near every way, when you’d otherwise not think so. A normal young super-religious chick and emo nerd sketchy-looking dude absolutely went well together like peanut butter and jelly. A better match for me archetype-wise like my ladyfriend now is more like oil and water.

Now, to be nice to myself, for things that are out of my control or not easily in my control:

• The last 2 weeks I’ve been going thru an insomnia cycle. These last 2 morning I’ve finally been sleeping until my normal 6:30am/sunrise versus my normal insomnia timeframe of 4am-5am. I’ve been meditating, journaling, and getting out of bed as directed from previous sleep therapy to help with this.
• I’m still 153lbs/69.4kg – I lost almost 10lbs over a month from Christmas break. I still often forget to eat or drink water this year. I LOVE eating – this is abnormal for me. Sleep will obviously hamper this, but I usually have no problems eating during insomnia cycles. I’ve been preparing my own breakfasts/lunches, but I think I need to start an eating schedule for myself to at least remember to eat
• I guess my ole ladyfriend and I don’t really have to work out… I don’t want to date her, she doesn’t want a relationship, neither know what the fuck we want, we’re mutually in some dumb state right now
• Allergies this time of year have been fucking everybody up (a lot of absences in my school), and I’ve been sick half of my time back, so that’ll definitely do it
• I love my roommate to death for how much he cares about me and teaches me about the Mexican culture, but he’s an absolutely terrible influence/part of my environment

Why would I be anxious?

• My schooling will be done May or July (depending if I do the last level, which is more project-based than language-based)
• I have nothing planned at the end
• I want to live in Mexico
• I want to get some type of more permanent residency – i.e. I need to get an immigration lawyer here (there are other work- or student- based options but they’re very temporary, and I feel it prolongs what I know I want – something more permanent here)
• I want this ^ so I can settle in some place and not AirBnb or move in/out like I’ve had to do
• If I’m settled ^ then I can build better habits
• I feel that I need therapy, but it’s a bit complicated (though not impossible) figuring that out here as a foreigner… and I despise (though should maybe be more open-minded) to the idea of remote therapy… just seems inhuman and disassociated
• Add everything I got going, and I get overwhelmed or exhausted sometimes… Mexican culture (here in CDMX) in very play hard party hard, which is the opposite of what I like/need

What the fuck am I doing about it?

Well, I’ve braindumped enough. Part of how I function, I absolutely have to get this stuff out of my head. The other part is: what have I done or will do about it?

• Gonna take next week “off” as in not make plans during the week – that seems to tire me out
• I’ve been experimenting with different meditation tracks every morning and sometimes during the day
• Journaling like a madman here and offline – continuing my online course and doing all the journaling/meditation exercises with that
• Still practicing with condoms and slowly conditioning myself to not freak out with them
• Ordered some supps/vitamins (I had ran out)… not a silver bullet, but I’m sure they’ll help by a placebo effect at least
• I’m moving in 1 month to a new place with a different roommate who I think is better suited for me personality-wise and environment-wise
• Been asking a bunch of different friends and researching residency here… I believe I know what I action I need to take and just do it
• Idk what to do about my “diet” yet… I eat better than before, but I feel like it’s not helping me at all even though I look great
• I miss exercising, but I don’t have good permanent options given my living situation changes every few months <– that’s an excuse

How much of this do I accept as me?

How much of this do I work to improve?

Por lo menos, recuerdo con más tiempo que todo mejorará. Debo confiarme paulatinamente

Gratitude

I feel a lot better. I’ll keep my re-framing quick, but it’s easy to get caught in my own head about this bullshit and miss what greatness I have in front me.

• I live in Mexico, I love it here, I’m a full-time student with close to 0 responsibilities
• I’ve never had such fun, so many friends, so many women/lovers/interests
• I still have my whole life ahead of me
• My biggest “problems” mostly revolve around what I wanna be when I grow up… lol I literally have the dream life now and forever
• I’m continually working to self-improved, I have friends IRL and far away who are into the same stuff, and we push each other to be better
• I truly am blessed beyond belief and I thank my friends, family, luck, universe, God, and everyone else for what I have

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