More Realtionship Love Future Realizations

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  6 minute read  

NOTE: This will be a more disorganized ramble – I’ve had quite a few thoughts that I’ve been mulling over lately

This new year has felt a bit off. I think the initial honeymoon of living down here in Mexico has worn off in so far as the “mental boost” you get from living somewhere new. That said, I’m still going on damn near weekly tours, talking to more new people, and seeing/trying more new things (dates again, dance classes, etc.). I still love it here, but I am still finding my place where I fit in here. Even school is a bit different this year, but I’m taking as much responsibility as I can to better my mindset, so I’m not the factor negatively influencing these perceptions that I’m having.

My “situationship” thus far has been nice… we’ve spent a decent amount of time together, and it’s nice to talk to someone in English to express myself fully again. I usually feel infatuated the first 2 weeks with someone new before I calm down, so I feel very aware to recognize this pattern in me (this is the 3rd time that I’ve observed it after moving down here). For me, it’s good to keep this in mind and not overdo whatever sort of situation/relationship that I might be in for the time being.

I smoked a couple of nights ago and had some brilliant realizations (or rather I let myself realize them). I wrote these notes after smoking, and I’m glad I saved them:

- I enjoy feeling emotional pain (but not physical)
- A situation** precludes the need to follow any decorum or rules. It ends spontaneously but not surprisingly
  - This^ will end eventually
- I like to get really close or enmeshed and then run away when i feel like i am giving too much
- I need more time ⏲️

** situation = situationship = sorta relationship without label

I believe that I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a very emotional person, and I LOVE being emotional. The “emo” label was a joke, but it’s really who I am and have been. I love feeling feelings, I love love, and I even love the pain of whatever the fuck I’m going through. Masochistically, I quite enjoyed last year with how deeply painful it had been. I love that telling others – being brutally honest and vulnerable about it – feels wonderful. I’m not sure what to do with this thought, but I think that I’m managing myself the best that I ever have because I’m not repressing my emotions nor thoughts about them. People love me more for it, so externally the feedback and reception are better than ever. In fact, sometimes the social and sexual attention I get from this overwhelms me (lately especially).

That said, I believe the basic advice to go the fuckboy route has been great for me… but it’s not something I really identify with. Inspired by some other dudes with similar sentiments, the “fuckboy” persona is not me and never has been. Talking with a close best friend has helped me realize this moreso. Again, at the moment, I don’t have much to do about that other than realize that I am a man who loves: emotions, connection, romance, affection <– even with my friends and sometimes strangers… maybe I’m more of a hopeless romantic than anything?

I don’t really care to play the optimal or perfect strategy anymore. I very much enjoy trainwrecking into some of these situations than being a stoic dude. Maybe that will change in the future, but I like where I’m at.

Most importantly, dear me, why does any of this matter? Well, I really can’t stand to manipulate or hurt people. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve acted in a way that does that by being emotionally cold/distant in my youth or emotionally reckless with quite a number of people over the last year. I also realize quite a bit of this my good ole anxiety rearing its ugly head every now and then, but this contemplation has been good for me. More now than ever, I can quickly read and connect with people than before. What I mean – at least in English, I can really look someone in the eyes, see if they are hurt, and find out why. In Spanish this is much harder, but I’ve had some success at least uncovering the same. I guess this is partly empathy, but sometimes it feels like mind-reading. I really want to continue mastering this skill – I think this will play into my greater purpose.

I’ve started feeling sexual again and even had the best wet dream of my life last night. I feel that sex and romance are a deeper level of communication for me; yeah sure it’s fun, but sex for sex’s sake sometimes seems uninteresting for me. I feel that I could continue to keep taking a break from it while also being romantically and sexually involved with my situationship and whoever else comes along. My heart’s just not in it at the moment, ya know? A bit lame but very true. This also takes quite a bit of pressure off to perform and gives me the chance to experiment with some other things I’ve had on the backburner because I was too distracted with pure fucking. Most of that revolves around the psychological aspect and dominance that I’ve gotten better at but am hardly an expert. I think this is why BDSM has been a godsend for me… I had read somewhere that it’s basically “sex for nerds”. Welp, that’s me.

Ironically enough, I’ve “coached” 4 people of the last year insofar as dating and relationships. 3 of those 4 I wrote out plans and have been doing consistent or inconsistent meetings with them. Them and others have told me they can see the passion in me about this. I have dreams, but at the moment, I don’t really have much of a plan with those skills other than helping where I can. It’s kinda incredible to write and read those words – my previous self had absolutely no idea how men or women seemed to function in this realm, and I struggled a lot with those same thoughts. Now, I don’t really feel like I’ll have a problem being alone or sexless. I just need to ensure that I continually put myself in the right (social) situations to make these happen. Beyond the initial encounter, the rest is fairly natural for me (even with the language barrier sometimes).