Party and Feeling Confused

I am in a weird emotional headspace because this was my first real date after my exGF. I felt very rusty and somewhat insecure and nervous.

Regardless, I am very proud of myself for working through all this and taking this as far as I was comfortable with. I don’t regret being with her.

She is nearly a perfect archetype match for me (except she does not have tattoos yet). I am noticing that my perfect “attraction” archetype, which is the emo, dyed-hair, piercing, tattoos, etc. type, is not necessarily a good relationship, long-term, or stable/ongoing partner match for me. I think I work better with cute nerds than unstable emo/goth chicks for more serious arrangements or connections. Luckily, she only wants something casual, but I know that likely is not entirely true and is a defense mechanism given her history.

I was not comfortable enough to have sex with her while we were both drunk, she had a hard time constraint (that added to her anxiety), and my house party kept cockblocking me in many ways.

Things that did not go well

• Drunk: We have really only talked while drunk, and during this interaction, we were both very drunk. I usually have issues after 1 drink (and probably had 5+ in this night as well as having smoked earlier in the day)
• Logistics: We were at a big party at my house, but people kept distracting me while we were talking and when we were alone by knocking on the door and chanting my name (pretty funny looking back on it)
• Comfort: I think I’m learning that my own comfort routine to feel good and relaxed is to go on a date, talk, have at most 1 drink, and then fool around without expectations. Generally, the first time for sex is not enjoyable for me, and I have some anxiety about not having a good erection (aka I hate ONS).

Things I did well

• Communication: We talked about love, sex, dating, pains, family, etc. I love these comfort building topics for my own sake, and these allow me the chance to DHV myself by showing a lot of life experience, learning from it, and positively appreciating all the good and bad.
• Sex/BDSM Routine: My basic sex/BDSM routine is pretty good. I do a lot of eye contact, relax ourselves with makeouts or massages, strip them off while leaving my clothes on, enjoy their body for my own pleasure (usually tit sucking, oral, neck choking, hair pulling), and use some sort of toy: vibrator, paddle, restraints, blindfold, etc. I am comfortable with this routine, and although basic to me, it sets me apart from most other men.
• Separating Us from Distractions: When everyone else kept bothering us while trying to talk and build some comfort, so I moved us out to the patio and rooftop to give us privacy. This was key because otherwise, I would not have had a chance with her.
• No Expectations/Pressure: Even with some of the logistical problems, I took off a lot of pressure by leading and telling her we can just go slow without expectations. I always think it is better to try as much as you can comfortably because delaying for the perfect moment, time, and location will never come.

Things I could have done better

• Drunk: 1 drink max and no drugs (no cannabis). In my defense and excuse, I was at my own big house party and had no solid idea that she was even coming.
• General Sex Anxiety: New sex partners always give me some of sort anxiety. Practicing relaxation, grounding, and meditation could help me and her a lot – I should make this as a part of my routine
• Time Constraints: Next time I have a date with a time constraint, I should get us to set alarm, so we do not have to keep checking the time. This added more stress than I realized in the moment.
• We/Us Frame: This is similar to my previous points, but leading and taking action for our benefit as well as taking the pressure off could be a great way for me to relax.

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