Roller Coaster Of Emotions And New Self Development With Best Friend

Friday, January 19, 2024

Tags:

Journal

9 minute read

Note: This journal is for me to write in less of a structured format and setting. I appreciate anyone that reads this, and I certainly know my formatting isn’t (intentionally) the best for readability.

What’s up peeps. I’ve had another interesting week down here in the land of the Aztecs.

Overall, I’m doing well but still working my way through various other emotions. Semi-related, a friend is emotionally going through the same journey I am except he is trying to keep a long-distance relationship going half-way around the world.

Emotions

My week and weekend were emotionally a bit rough. I continued to be a bit sadder about my ex-GF – again another gratitude thing. We long-term were not meant for each other, but our short relationship was wonderful and nearly perfect. It helped reveal some of my own insecurities like: I hate being de-prioritized when I’m in a relationship (e.g. my ex-GF cancelled plans we had made for a month to go to a theme park with her church group). This is funny to read now, but I remember how much it upset me. Why? I felt unworthy of her time and presence in that moment. Is that true? My feelings – yes, but obviously am I really unworthy? No, I just need to communicate these issues better and have my own hobbies going on outside of her. I see that a small part of me was enmeshing with her too much to the point that this upset me a lot. I had framed the relationship as temporary thing, so ofc she’s not gonna miss the chance to hang out with her friends during the limited timeframe <– framing it better like that made me remember she was trying to give so many people her very little time, and I definitely got a HUGE chunk of it compared to others. That’s fine, I had a fine time on the trip by myself and made a new friend

I had a day this week I felt particularly terrible – feeling almost sick and exhausted. I came home and laid down until my dance class, which helped me feel better. Afterwards, I came home to cook and got very drunk and talked about all that with my roommate – to the point I was hungover the next day during class. That was a GOOD experience for me – not that I enjoyed the hangover – but I felt “fed up” with myself. Thank God my “rock bottom” is very very mild, and I’ve bounced back since. Also fortunately, the day after I got food poisoning again (yeah 4th time down here – I’m lucky) and that gave me a wonderful excuse to rest and journal.

During my rest, I worked on a new program that me and a best friend of mine are doing (more below). Overall, I’ve been enjoying redoing more self-development stuff – it’s mainly watch videos and journal/write out ideas sort of setup, but I really enjoy these things. I am re-learning that I am a student and a nerd at heart – I love doing “classes” and learning and SHARING that information with my best friend, other good friends, and other women. Maybe it sounds lame, but I swear a lot of my friends fucking love me for it. This feels like my calling… I have more work to do on myself beforehand, but I am starting to see this as a part of my future somehow.

Speaking of my friend trying to long-distance thing across the planet: Although I wouldn’t do that, it’s his life to live. That said, he’s asked me for a lot of relationship advice regarding insecurity and wants me to give him a BDSM course primer, so he can be a better lover when he does see his chick. I’ve already done one for him before and I’m stoked to do another for him. I’m super honored to have friends come to me for things like this – once again, I love talking, learning, and thinking about all things love, sex, dating, and relationships. Love and connection make the world go round in my head.

Dating Apps

I’m literally running damn near the same dating profile with minimal details and pics from over the last year. That said, I’ve tweaked them particularly enough that they’re good along with me being exotic enough to get a lot of matches without Boosts or Premium subscriptions. I’m restarting my dating journey like I did when I first got here: My intention with these are just to talk to more women and practice my Spanish. Part of it is cathartic: I’ll be open and vulnerable like I had been and see where it takes me

To be honest, my heart and head aren’t really in the place to attempt sex or relationships with my same previous vigor, but of course I want those again later after I’ve healed more. I think some time without sex will actually be good for me to continue healing. Even with that, I already have 2 dates with really cute chicks for Sunday and Tuesday – one of them has to be a catfish because she’s fucking petite, dyed-blonde Latina, speaks English/Spanish, I’m 99% certain she’s stupid rich, she’s been super sweet over our text and voice messages, etc. I’m excited for the date, but I’m going in it with minimal expectations – in fact, I’m purposely going to try to have a good date and do all my usual shit except for fuck these ladies. I want to experiment with my process, so I don’t continue being the 1st date fuck guy (I mean it’s nice, but I don’t like ONS especially while I’m vulnerable like this). I really enjoy dates even if nothing more comes from it.

Tomorrow, I’m throwing a huge back2school party for my language school. Estimated 20-30 foreigners will be there and maybe another 20-30 locals will be here. This will be my first house party (out of the other 4 that I’ve thrown), that I’ll be single at. I’m really excited to have everyone here, and I have my friends supporting and encouraging me to flirt with some of the chicks that I know have some interest in me from school. Here’s to hoping I get a shot with a cute Japanese girl or the emo sister of one of my local Mexican friends LOL if not, no shame.

I’ve become the house party and life/relationship advice guy down here. I very much feel like a beginner in those “fields”, but it feels sick to be the “cool guy” that is a leader and exemplar for others. Again, super-blessed for this experience

Approach Program

I’m unsure if I’ve noted it here, but I had previously completed the PWF Texting Course. For me coming out of a marriage and having no idea wtf to do, it helped me greatly. My best friend just finished it as well and has gotten a lot better. He bought another course for some dude that he’s in love with, and my friend and I are running through it together. Super blessed to have a best friend like to share not only the info but the experience of this with me. We do weekly accountability meetings and are turning this into our next big project. We also share texting advice with each other, and I get a lot of GREAT VALUE from some of the legends here that I apply to real life as well.

For this program, the intro had us journaling about what we want out of future relationships (something I’ve written about 1,000,000 times at least), but again, I really enjoy doing that because it challenges me to think and consider about my future and WHO I choose to include in that. I have the greatest clarity of what I want, am unashamed for it, and again shoutout to my ex-GF: she helped me raise my standards to know what I want as well as what I can achieve from a relationship. I’ll dump some of my notes here just as example.

Unformatted Notes of What I Want for My Relationship Future

Audit where I’m at (last 30 days)
- Dating life:
  - 0 – just got out of a relationship and emotionally feel all over the place. I want to return to dating again, and I feel emotionally unprepared/unready
- Dates:
  - 1
- Lays:
  - only with my previous GF before break up
Satisfaction with quality and quantity:
- Quality: No, I have had a few good quality experiences (including my ex-GF), but outside of those, I would prefer a higher quality over sex
- Quantity: Previously, there was plenty but not at the quality that I would like
What is preventing me?
- Fear: I’ve done it before, but there’s a baseline level of just fear of the new or different
- Emotionality: still healing from past relationships. Most recent relationship was great, but I am sometimes sad about it
- Insecurity: I feel like I don’t look as cool as I want to and my lack of concrete purpose/future at the moment makes me feel low-value
Define what I want
- Continue variety of dates to better understand and empathize with women and the female experience
Create a group of ongoing lovers that help me develop my skills of:
- Masculinity
- BDSM
- Practicing communication and boundaries
Find a life companion that:
- Supports and respects me and my future
- Supports me to have my own freedom and liberty with myself and other women
- Is independent, supportive, smart, attractive, feminine, caring, sweet, open-minded/bisexual, kinky, LOYAL
Uncover why I want it
- 5 Reasons Why:
  - Human connection
  - Spreading joy
  - Enjoying my life journey
  - Being more confident in myself as reinforced through positive reference experiences
  - Being a teacher, leader, and mentor for others in their own journey of love and dating
Ideal Girlfriend or Wife - Things You Look For in a Girl: looks, personality, deal breakers
Age:
- 21-30
Physical:
- Race/Ethnicity: anything but white
- Body: someone that can be physically active and I am attracted to (fairly open); generally, out-of-shape is a deal-breakers
- Face: cute and not disfigured
- Hair: long hair; grooming of the remainder
- Height: smaller than me – ideally petite
- Other: tattoos and piercings are a bonus but not mandatory
Personality:
- independent, supportive, smart, attractive, feminine, caring, sweet, open-minded/bisexual, kinky, LOYAL
Sexual:
- Open-minded to an alternative style of relationship and open to sexual exploration (as well as helping me develop my BDSM/kinks/dominance skills)
Activities:
- Enjoys traveling – especially visiting historical places (e.g. Mexica ruins/temples)
- Fluent in Spanish and English
Dealbreakers:
- Dependent, immature, angry, masculine, fat/out-of-shape, bad hygiene, bad finances

Reflections on Having to End Loose-Ends with Dating

I’m starting to learn that some level of abundance is one of those things that is almost a necessity [at least at my level]. At the time of my log, I was very much un-abundant. I made lot of improvement over the last year and got into a relationship, which I don’t regret at all. But I stopped improving on the dating side for a bit, and now I’m back at that again. Keeping that social and lover/sex connection is more important to me than I have previously realized.