I Have Let My Ego Become The Enemy
3 minute read
Lately, I have felt a lot of accomplishment in my life and stabilization in my general mood. A year ago, I felt very at peace with being lost and practiced giving “love” so-to-speak more than I do now. Now, I’m less lost but less peaceful (less vulnerable, less open), too. However, I’ve noticed that I’ve had this internal feeling for the last couple of months:
OK I’ve mostly moved on from my previous life, I’m having success with my life in Mexico, I can speak/understand Spanish, women enjoy being around me, probably the most amount of friends I’ve ever had, I’m almost 30, … WHY DO I NOT FEEL LIKE I AM A MATURE, ACTUALIZED MAN?
Simple, I know that I want to continue improving (working thru insecurities), but my ego wants to tell me that: “You’re done. You’ve done it champ. Time to rest and relax. No need to work hard or be better. You have your life figured out and put together better than 95% of dudes… and the other 5%? Well, they’re just shallow or had luck or blah blah blah. Oh those hot girls you want? Nah, they’re probably mean bitches and you would be better off to avoid them”.
I want to be able to say I got it all figured out.
I DON’T. And that is okay.
My looks are my weakest point right now. Even though my goal is mental resiliency, I have felt very insecure over my looks again – mainly style – but even deeper WHO do I want to present myself as to the world? Before talking to me, my appearance is my resume – my reflection of me. And right now, I’m the all-black emo ginger gringo wandering around Mexico and Latin America.
Is that a bad thing? No. I felt like I needed to “speedrun” my emo phase… I never let myself do that before when I was young, I was in one of the lowest points of my life, and I wanted to let people know that I might have felt like a hurt, weak bitch, but boy can I look scary/sketchy/edgey on the outside. BUT, I am almost 30. And even though I shouldn’t make 30 the big scary monster, I feel that I want to reflect a greater maturity in myself (and hence my appearance).
I do not feel quite that strongly about my last year now; I am better. I don’t want to scare away people as much (because I am scared of them); I want to keep inviting them into my life and future. I read through some random users who are older than me and a lot worse off – still negative, depressed, immature, ego-ridden and unwilling to accept advice or improve… I realized that for me, I will humble myself again to not be that.