Sage Wisdom From Friend
4 minute read
This response was tailored to me from a questions I asked in DMs, but I believe that others could benefit. I also wanted to save it in my log instead of DMs, which I forget about.
Background and his post here sparked my initial questions
I tend to be on the more emo[tional] side of the fence on social interactions (with everybody), so his post here really resonated with me at the time. I have been practicing being way more open and vulnerable this year after my exwife and I separated. In the US I was partially open/vulnerable, and I got a decent amount of success with that. Since I’ve been here in Mexico, I’m been damn near 90-95% open/vulnerable to the point that I’m TMI (too much info) sometimes, which sure can be socially uncalibrated but honestly I don’t give a fuck. I’ve have better experiences and made better friends and relationships here in 3 months than I have for about the rest of my life. People (and especially women) have appreciated that side of me more than the opposite. Food for thought, but this is again is personalized to me.
My Question (to my friend)
I agree with you quite a bit. I think a lot of guys (myself included) are trying to be more masculine by being way too uncompromising, logical, and direct while ignoring the emotional side of being vulnerable and open. I imagine quite a lot of us are trying to outgrow the “nice guy” mentality and overdo it in the process. It’s cool to see an older dude like you being so confident about feelings/emotions while still slaying. I’m working to get there too, but I’ll definitely make mistakes in the process.
What’s the #1 protip you personally have for talking your feelings/emotions well without coming off unmasculine?
This is selfish question because I feel like this is what killed my marriage. I eventually become too emotional and empathetic, and I could just tell my ex stopped respecting me once I reached that point. She at least respected me more (and hence was more attracted to me) when I was abrupt, rude, and didn’t give a shit about her feelings.
His Response (shortened)
The first situation he describes in this video sums up the healthy mindset we are aiming for pretty well:
“You’re feelings are very important to me, but they are not as important as my well-being.”
She’s got to know that you are stable and steady and that you are going to take care of yourself and do what you feel is right even if it upsets some people, including her.
If she senses that you are a man who can take care of himself AND that you have a purpose that no one can sway you from AND that you care about her, she will most likely do everything she can to stay in your life.
And here’s another great example of what a healthy partner looks like @ 42:10 in this video:
As nice guys we tend to repress our feelings and take responsibility for the feelings of others (usually because we had a parent with attachment issues who made us feel like we were in control of their feelings), but the proper balance is to openly express our feelings and needs WHILE we pursue our mission and take care of ourselves.
For most of us here, learning to take care of ourselves involves fixing our attachment issues through various strategies like: psychedelics; lots of meditation; shadow work; embodiment practices; therapy with an attachment specialist, etc
And here’s a few of the best resources I’ve found on those topics:
Andrew (Travelbum) probably understands attachment issues and how they affect dating better than anyone else in the world right now, so I highly recommend you spend a few hours on his YouTube channel, because he covers everything I mentioned and more (in terms of treating attachment issues and reconnecting with your feelings and needs and having healthier interactions with women)
And this interview with him is a really good high level summary of what he knows about treating attachment issues:
And this last link is to a book written for clinicians, by clinicians, about how to treat attachment issues in adults:
- Attachment Disturbances in Adults by Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott—