Saying Last Goodbyes 1 Week Til Liftoff
8 minute read
I leave my homeland in less than a week. I’m enjoying the rollercoaster of emotion of fear, excitement, confidence, uncertainty, etc. Overall, I am feeling incredibly positive. I’ll try to hold onto this positive mindset as long as possible to springboard me into success by continuing to take care of my sleep, diet, journaling, practicing gratitude, taking long walks, being upfront, and staying in contact with my friends.
Next mission: PACK AND MOVE OUT before Monday
Actions
- Packing
- Many long walks and some running… had a 10mi day of running+walking… excellent time for thinking… those days really help make my brain feel good/calm/relaxed/solid
- My Going Away from my restaurant crew was excellent… I’ll miss those fucks. They got me a card and each one wrote me a message and signed it. Makes me want to cry
- More friend hangouts and another Going Away for me
- Continuing these logs: daily food/times, daily journal, sporadic other journal, and my private vLog of big daily tasks
- I started another log. I take voice recordings… at the moment they’re mainly the dark, morbid ideas that I have in my head. I have these intrusive and racing thoughts sometimes of terrible things. So far they’ve been dark ideas/solutions to problems or memorable dark dreams. Ideas usually motivated from anger, frustration, hopelessness, sadness, dread, fear, etc. Part of my motivation is to write them into short stories one day, but I don’t give that a hard expectation. Just getting the thoughts out for now
Non-Action Highlights
- All my recent friends and people in my life have been complimenting me on my energy, positivity, vibe, vigor, etc. I surprised one of the workers at my guitar studio when I told her I was in a dark place through my divorce. She said she would have never known given how positive and energetic I come off <– exactly how I want to be seen
- I used my last guitar lesson today to just talk with my teacher. He’s really brilliant and not your typical music nerd. He helped coach me along with good ideas and mindsets for really going all-in on improving my Spanish fluency. I’ll miss this dude. He’s been a hell of a life coach and guitar teacher… I came in a sad boy through my life upheaval and divorce, and I give him a lot of credit for being a weekly anchor
- Accidentally fell into some pussy… former coworker approached me at my going away and asked “So are we gonna fuck or what?” LOL. First time in my life that’s happened… so pretty cool. I’ve been actively ignoring women the last month or more to prep for my big life move, so it was NICE for a woman to approach me for a change. All my improvements here in appearance, mindset, style, vibe, physique, etc… have brought me to this point. A year ago, I would’ve thought (even in my relationship at the time) that no woman would ever really want me (scarcity mindset)
Sex & Relationship Ramblings
These probably won’t come out coherent, but they make sense in my head. Again, more things that I’m not only understanding BUT feeling as well
Continuing from my last point, I have some more recent realizations for myself. I had partially read the Sex God Method and just finished listening to the whole Black Phillip Show (Patrice O’Neal – dead comedian that revolved around men/women and pimp dynamics). Their big points: you win women over with their mind [and less so your dick]. You be the dominant, confidant man that does not take shit from women because THEY love that (probably a nicer way to word this, but idc).
PASSION > LOVE
Especially, when you substitute your [non-romantic] passion for love: attraction, respect, and love can falter – and they sure did in the case of my failed marriage. As men, we take the responsibility for when things fail [in relationships]. I certainly got too comfortable in mine, and I let it disintegrate. To be nice to myself, I also did not have the right person to support me to keep being an absolute asskicker (she encouraged me to be negative, mediocre, lazy, etc. – and I allowed it to happen). Depending on your school of thought in the case of Patrice O’Neal, he posits that women will [sub]consciously work to sabotage you in your life goals and passions. I think this is cynical, but I find it incredibly true in this moment. However, a man with strong frame and boundaries can prevent this from happening. Live and learn as I have
BE BETTER THAN HER
Another point from Patrice, he posited that “you have to be better than the woman you’re with”. Again, his framing is more negative and cynical, but the message is still true to what we generally practice here: with self-improvement or SMV increase. To me, the “being better than her” makes more intuitive sense, and when she feels/realizes that she’s better than you… the relationship or arrangement can dissolve. That plays a key role in dominance. I realized this after telling everyone and committing to moving out of the country. I can tell people thought more highly of me and some women definitely seemed more [sexually] interested in me (even beyond the one chick). Tangential point, I realized this is how con artists can manipulate people – they pretend to be higher value but do so in a deceptive way and without putting in the work.
JUICY DETAILS
This was the best kinkiest sex I’ve had up until this point of my life. She’s smaller than me, very submissive, sexually open, and I accidentally yet organically practiced DD/lg roleplay and dirty talk with her. I previously thought this stuff was gross or I wouldn’t like it (especially from being shamed for it from my previous relationship), but turns out I love it. My penis felt like a brick and hurt from being so hard the whole time – first time I’ve felt that way. She was the loudest screamer that I’ve been with, so much so that I had to muzzle her mouth with my hand. That made it even hotter for both of us and turned her on more.
GET INTO HER MIND
But bottom line: I had to get into her mind before I could really get into her pants. I helped relax her when she first showed up, we fucked, got dinner, and fucked again. The second time we were sufficiently comfortable enough with each other that the real mental work could happen. By denying her of orgasms, teasing, roleplaying, telling her “No” to her requests (e.g. standard stuff like “let me come”, “give it to me”, etc.), dirty talking her, rewarding her, I really felt like I “owned” her. She loved being “owned”. Her legs were shaking the whole night (even when we were in the restaurant). Thanks Sex God Method for those techniques… READ THIS BOOK IF YOU HAVEN’T and USE IT. I can finally see why there are Dom/sub dynamics outside of sex. That power of ownership feels great… and I had never felt that in previous relationships before
“ONS” SUCK – KINKY COMFORTABLE SEX IS BETTER [for me]
I realized that I don’t really like one night stands. It’s harder for the comfort and kink to be built up unless both people are open to it. In situations were the girl does not have those, I have to lead and even then she might never be comfortable enough in the one night stand situation. And maybe I’m not really either. I need to get some consistent sex partners to keep growing my dominant and masculine side.
There’s a lot of actions and thoughts that I can have regarding that, but I have other priorities. Women are not the priority. In fact, they are more turned on when they are not (I told the girl last night that; she loved the “fire” in my eyes).
BEING NICE KILLS ATTRACTION
I am the fuckboy. I am becoming the guy I hated and was afraid of. The guy that fucks the girl that the nice boy simps for.
Being “nice” got me nowhere; being confident and masculine is paying dividends. A guy at work is hopelessly “in love” with the girl I mercilessly fucked last night. He’s offered to buy and pay for all kinds of stuff for her. He’s nice and boring. She is absolutely repulsed. She thinks he is a “simp”. He will never have a chance. I told her that I see both sides NOW. I was the nice provider guy in my previous life, but now I am the badboy that fucks (or at least I’m growing into that HA; I definitely have more to learn). She said she likes who I am now. She said (multiple times) that she’s jealous that the Latinas in Mexico will get a piece of me, and she won’t be able to <– SHE WANTS ME TO FUCK?!?! (again, I’d never have thought women would want or say these things)
She wants to see me again before I leave. I told her that I’ll be upfront and won’t see her. She can come to Mexico if she wants it. The other women that I’ve been with have hinted similar things… I also am old enough to be the badboy while being a mature “man” about it… I’m excited for my new character arc in this area