Not So Quick Weekly Update
7 minute read
Overall, doing a lot better. I’ve been sleeping [and dreaming] better [and more] lately. I believe my ex is on vacation out of the country, so divorce process is on pause until she gets back in a week. I’m less upset about the wait time… it will end when it ends even if it’s holding up my next actions.
- Reduced bartending days from 3days/wk -> 2days/wk. Coupled with my other job, I’ll now be working 5 days a week instead of 6, which was really burning me out (especially since both have almost opposite schedules). I plan to quit bartending once I’m divorced and have a car; I am simply using it as a means to occupy my time, but long-term the job is a bad influence on me (sleep and eating schedule, pay, drugs, quality of people, etc. -wise – no shade against my other workers, but I need better influences and asskickers in my life)
- Back to the gym and running… sorta hit new PRs in everything. Quick: handstands are EZ, I can do controlled muscle-ups, did my first planche today (with legs extended for 1 sec), I can hold front lever (only 1 leg out) for a few seconds). Ran 2 miles at 7:35min/mi pace in 90F weather (afternoons here are often 100F+). I’ve gained some weight, but only a pound or so
- Deleted all the dating apps – I need a break from them. I’m disinterested in relationships and sex at the moment. I also need to take time to get in a better spot, but I’ll return with a fresh profile
- Stopped talking to all girls except one, we had a date this past week – went well ;) . I don’t really have any expectations with her, but she’s cool
- Writing a lot more privately… working to take [some] of my journal notes and philosophy and eventually publish them online. Nothing crazy, but just wanting to “get my ideas out there” sort of thing. I really enjoy writing, and I never thought I would say that. I tend to turn these into pet projects, so at the moment, I’m writing my stuff in Markdown and am going to use Jekyll to generate my .md files into a static HTML website. I’ll probably host it on GitHub until I pick a free or cheap hosting service (used 000webhost back in the day).
- Guitar has improved a lot even with my hand injury. Gonna try to have fun with it more. Writing out minor chord diagrams for practice/homework
- Test drove my next car, researched loans, and am saving up money for a fat down payment. I could buy the car outright, but I don’t want to. I’m definitely splurging and getting a nice, fast car to rice up. Not having a car and being dependent on others has made me appreciate how important mobility/transportation [here in the US] is. And that comes in form of a car
A note of gratitude: Once again, I have wonderful friends. They keep me sane. They drive me around. They help me out. They listen to me (and I listen to them) sometimes. I am grateful
More Weird, Date Feedback
I almost didn’t list my date feedback, but I think this will be important for me in the future. This girl told me that I seemed “angrier” or “meaner” in my profile and texting than I actually was in real life – she said I was much nicer in-person. I did not try as hard on this date – I didn’t hold her hand in public before coming back to my place (unlike other dates where I kiss or hold hands in public). Instead of my guitar line, I told her I’d teach her how to use a camera since she’s into photography.
I definitely had a more difficult time reading her – she says she has ADHD (and occasionally does coke), which makes sense of why she seemed very antsy and nervous the whole time. I just did a simple massage escalation, and she finally relaxed (also she said this was the best massage she’s ever had lol). TBH, I wasn’t in the mood, so I choose not to have sex with her. But I made her orgasm a few times with kissing, rubbing her, and using my Doxy. I had told her I’m a “soft Dom”, so I prefer to give pleasure <– this is true, but I realized this is just the people pleaser in me, and my fear of expressing what I want. That coupled with my lack of interest played into why I didn’t want to have sex and simply wasn’t in the mood.
Regardless, I enjoyed our time together. We ended up spending 6hrs together… talked a lot. She definitely seemed like the most attracted to me out of the other girls I’ve seen. She complimented my muscles, eyebrow piercing, tattoos, style, etc. She really enjoyed rubbing me, kissing me, and my bald head. She said the run of the mill shit that she likes being slapped and choked like all the other girls I’ve met.
She also said something that kind of concerned me, but also really activated my dark side. She said although she assumed that I was going to be mean, she would have still met up with me and just went through with everything – just let everything happen (to let me do whatever I want?). I want to be careful to read too much into this, but if I was a real psychopath, I think I could have about done anything to her. I don’t know how I feel about her telling me that. Was she bored? Is she damaged like all the others? Am I fucked up worrying about her while also wanting to be that angry, mean, intimidating dude that she thought I was?
LOL again holy shit, all my experiences really blow out the water that [all/many/most] women want boring, stable men. I somehow keep finding the ones that seem to enjoy some level of abuse (or is it dominance?) and are willing to put themselves in compromising situations. I’m not bad or evil enough to take advantage of that, but that dark side lives in me [and all of us]. I hope that I don’t come to abuse that side of me.
I could see myself hanging out with her again. She’d be an interesting friend – I never would’ve thought that I’d want one of my dates to turn into friend over sex partner. But, I also am very much okay with letting go. I had some other flakes this past week, but nothing to remark. I am done with the dating shit for a while.
Feedback to Dating Reflection Above
I’m a fucking pussy, I know it, and I’ve been embarrassed by that.
I want to be a “good” person and simultaneously an absolute [metaphorical] killer. I have delusions of grandeur in my head to slay in life, and then my “pussy” voice tells me that’s bad, evil, dark, etc. I need to trust myself more. I’m at the age now where I’m not so wild, reckless, energetic, etc. to fuck myself up bad or really hurt someone, so why not let go. If a chick wants a rough fucking, yeah I’ll work up to it, check-in every now and then, and mercilessly give her what she craves.
I grew up modest in a trailer and on government bennies, but I have always had some fucked up attraction for weird, trashy chicks. That’s why I love the emo/alt/whatever because tattoos and piercings are trashy – and it makes me turned on more than some slim bimbo beautiful super model. Probably has something to do with I don’t feel like I have to value them or that they can be fucked up more (unlike a pristine chick) and there’ll be less consequences.
Related, I had an argument with my ex one time about trying to do some roleplaying, and I wanted her to dress more trashy – think white trailer trash tank top, short shorts, shitty makeup, etc. OFC she was offended by it because she was trailer trash just like me, but she acted indignant about it (and shamed the fuck out of me about being “open” with my fantasy).