Sometimes I Feel Like Im Starting Over Again
6 minute read
I have been taking more time to journal, make plans, and talk out my ideas with my friends more. Since I am physically limited in what I can do until I heal, now is the time to put greater focus on sharpening my mind once again. I won’t detail all my thoughts here, but the TL;DR:
- My #1 next step is to get divorced (already in the works for the last 3 months and out of my hands at this point) – which has been putting a big mental burden on me. Although there’s more to it than the mental part, I cannot underscore how much it has (or that I’ve allowed it to) mess with my mentality
- My #2 next step is to buy a car (I cannot do until my divorce is done) – only using my feet, the bus, friends, or Uber very much complicates my ability to do things. My city isn’t dense enough for public transit to be a reasonable option (it’s just okay and that’s what I use)… but I need a vehicle to facilitate some of my other goals
- My #3 next step would be start a business (I cannot do until my divorce is done) as a point of experimentation. I don’t care to make my business a big money making scheme, but just something that travels well and gives me purpose. I wouldn’t give it much expectation other than to make it a learning experiment: make mistakes, learn from them, and just start something. I’ve been threatening to do this for at least a decade (the business idea always changes), but I never gave myself permission to just do it. I definitely have the skills now that I lacked then to do so and will continue growing those skills through the process of starting. Shoutout to some resources for really framing a good mindset of giving value and then letting everything else fall into place. I’m not some far left communist or anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to create a business just for the sake of fun or making money – I want it to mean something (to at least me and hopefully to other people).
Find my Purpose and Mission
I’ve felt and known my purpose: to help others
This is why I’ve done all my various volunteering activities (teaching high school students, helping out at a National Park, litter cleanups, etc.) as well as why I joined the military. A lot of those either fell short, or I simply didn’t have time and mental bandwidth to continue them.
I did enjoy connecting and working with others. None of this is unique to me, but these definitely play into what I’m missing. Quite a few of the dudes here are doing various types of coaching, and I am inspired and interested in that as well. I am already informally “coaching” some friends in regards to dating, I coached my ex in regards to working out (going so far as making multiple exercise routines, diets, etc.), and I have some photography work. I even have positive impacts already, especially in helping my buddy go from “kiss close on the 3rd date” to “banging enthusiastic chicks on the 1st date”. My skills in all these areas aren’t necessarily superb, but I’ve done it, I can do it, and I have results. I just need to take it to the next level. And plus, the right one would help me travel and live in a foreign country like I want to.
But I need to be in a better place before moving – moving to grow and not moving to run away from my issues like I want to
For the time being, a lot more of my journal details will probably be private to me and my friends. I’ll keep updating here as I have more breakthroughs and take more actions.
Friends/Dating/Relationships
Friends: have really been knocking it out of the park recently. With this whole dog attack thing, my friends have really came through: talking with me, giving me their time, feeding me (my real love language LOL), and giving me a lot of laughs <– A lot of quality bro time. You can’t put a price tag on that. I am grateful
Dating: has been a little off lately… I’m still learning how to read the “online dating landscape”. I’ve had a few matches of very enthusiastic** women who then flake/reschedule and then ghost right before (or even after a date/sex). A bit jarring to me considering I’m more emotionally straightforward… I know the dynamic women have to deal with is very different than what we have but still a little weird. This has been good practice to not take these things so personally like I used to. I was a little hung up on my mall emo chick, but I already knew it’d probably go nowhere. Gonna send her the ole “If you’re not into this, then lmk and I can stop trying” text tomorrow and then delete her number/messages. This strategy works better for me since I have a harder time moving on unless I “burn” or end it per se. I hate having loose ends like this – plus, it’s not an abundance mindset if I hang onto these old interactions
I am working to not view these women as emotionally manipulative psychopaths (because some of the shit they say is definitely in that realm), but rather just other human beings looking for the same things we are: love, intimacy, sex, safety, comfort, attention, etc. and not always knowing how best to go about that.
**An example of an enthusiastic, emotionally manipulative exchange was a chick that told me that she really liked my [text] vibe and had a feeling that I would have a big impact on her life. Kinda a weird thing to say… almost sounded bot-like, but I got her number and had a day/time set where she was very excited to come to me. 30 mins before out date she rescheduled then fell off. This is just really weird behavior to me… again, I don’t think there’s a coherent reason for it (and she might have very well have been a bot/scam? just given how emotionally invested she came off). I say all this in that us dudes probably end up getting a lot of these, and at the beginning, it can be odd if you tend to be insecure or tender-hearted like I can be.
All that said, I have a date tomorrow with a different emo MILF, and we already established that I’m a soft Dom whereas she told me that she is a bratty sub with a praise kink (not totally into brats but we’ll see). Kinda cool considering I feel like I accidentally happened into that, but I need to give myself more credit. Being less invested (needy) definitely allows me to be calmer and more bold to screen out these iffy chicks and get my hot goth/emo sub that I need to ruin my life :)
- Relationships: are nonexistent. I simultaneously crave some romantic stability, but I know that it is better that I don’t just immediately attach myself to someone coming out my old relationship. Being single has been a good struggle for me, though I definitely feel happy and sad seeing other couples out in public. Makes me appreciate the relationships that I have had in life – even when they weren’t always positive. Also has made me realize what I won’t tolerate anymore