Spilling My Guts
6 minute read
I had a realization that I have been feeling for while but tried to ignore. I woke up today in a bad mood (even after sleeping well) and feeling sorry for myself. I realized that I am not tolerating this from myself anymore. I feel this way because I am back to how I was previously… closed off [not open], keeping my shit to myself [not vulnerable], and worst of all, afraid [when I want to be unafraid] of the world.
I am writing about my background, why I am here, and why I have been a little cagey with my life details. Although we all deserve a level of privacy in our lives, I want to practice not being afraid of me, my past, what I am going through, and especially in a place where we men have a chance to be emotional, open, and vulnerable with only support and no judgement.
My Short Backstory
I was born and raised in “the South” in the US. I lived a relatively humble life by first-world standards – living in an old trailer my parents built onto in the woods. My parents, although crazy, unstable, and emotionally unsupportive, always encouraged me to do well. I succeeded a lot as child to include: skipping the 2nd grade (and also graduating high school at barely 17 years old), participating in many sports, having various friends and few romantic relationships, and feeling generally hopeful for the future (but always unhappy with the present).
I was an incredibly anxious child. I have had life-long sleep issues from this anxiety, I have never been able to eat breakfast (from morning nausea/vomiting), I use to bite my fingernails, toenails, and knuckles until they bled from anxiety (I finally stopped this last one at the age of 27 years old). My anxiety has been a gift and curse – I have succeeded greatly from the pressure it gives me, but I can no longer handle that unhealthy pressure/stress as I have gotten older.
I joined the military at 17 years old, got my BS and MS in Computer Science, did my service in a competitive and secretive field, and left when I was 26 years old. I started a very committed relationship at 20 years old and got married at 22 years old. I am now awaiting for my divorce to finalize at 29 years old. I no longer have a house, car, wife, pets, or much of anything tangible aside from my few possessions in my studio apartment. I have a comfortable level of wealth through pure paranoia and hoarding of most of my money over the past decade. Even post-divorce, I will thankfully be in a better position than most. I have always sucked with women, and that has been a big insecurity of mine (and also a question of my own value) – I am improving and working on this. I will still suck for a while.
Note: the remainder was written in the context of a private group
Why I am Here
In essence, I started listening to a podcast when I was at a point in life where I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. I threw away my childhood home, education, old career, a lot of my half-assed friends, and (eventually) my almost decade-long toxic relationship. Everything in my past, I either left from unhappiness or felt abandoned by. I am almost 30 years old and no closer to having the clarity in my life that I wanted. This podcast helped give me greater peace in not knowing and being okay with not knowing my direction. Yes, I need and want a purpose, but I also don’t need to stress over it so much to my detriment.
After having a meltdown and being locked out of my own house from my ex, I realized that I deserve better. I will rot on the street before I allow someone such control over my life again. I say this in a frame of independence not hate: Only I can give myself the love and stability that I want and need; expecting that from anyone else (especially a lover) is disastrous. A lot of my ideas on love and relationship have dramatically shifted over the last year… getting married [for men] is a scam and a difficult lesson that I am learning now. I am practicing loving everyone, men and women, more, but I am not so naive about how I can be taken advantage of or hurt anymore.
Why I have been cagey (to myself: dishonest)
The divorce and instability of my life over the last few months have been hard. I didn’t want to write about anything in fear of my exwife reading my logs (like she previously did) for fear of her anger and retribution. I cannot give a shit about what she thinks anymore and attempt to “people please” a toxic exlover. I need to take care of myself, and myself wants me to be open and honest. I refuse to hide behind an avatar or pseudonym.
My Way Forward
I realize that I have a comfortable life that can easily slip into mediocrity. I don’t care to be great for the world or anyone else – I threw away my “easy” path to success because I hated it and didn’t fit in; I just want to be great for myself and enjoy the remainder of my life. I want to share connection, value, and purpose with other people. I will not live wretched and miserable like many others willingly and unwillingly do. I have been given many gifts and opportunities that I will not waste.
All that said, I am going to take time where I live now to rest, finalize my divorce, get some more bartending experience, improve my artful crafts (guitar/photography), practice Spanish more (attend classes again – I’m already sorta fluent), and continue my gymnastics-lite journey.
By May 2024, I will move to Mexico City to start over, study Spanish at CEPE in UNAM, and immerse myself in the people/language/culture/history that I appreciate and want to know more about. I might even take a couple months this fall to go for a mini-trip (since their language classes are only 8 weeks). I, like many here, have always felt like an outsider: in my family, hometown, relationships, military, jobs, current location, etc. This is not a new sensation, so I might as well go all in and go be an outsider somewhere else. Staying here will not benefit me and only let the burden crush me. One day, I will find my love, home, and tribe – or die trying.
Caveat
This isn’t a negative post. This is just a post of vulnerability. I have a more solid idea of my next steps, and I know my support group, friends, and family will not be surprised. I need change and adventure.
Thanks everyone here for your time, kindness, and ideas. I am inspired everyday by everyone here. We are imperfect men, but I love that about this place. We can all bitch and complain about our “failures” and still go out again the next day to tackle our challenges. I will do the same. Ideas and plans subject to change and develop, but I have been thinking these ideas for over the last year. It’s time to make preparations.