What I Have To Offer

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  4 minute read  

I slept well last night, but I woke up in a weird mood today. A mix between low and fractured thoughts – kind of an ADD sort of day. I know that journaling on day like this really will help me or otherwise I’ll have spinning thoughts all day and not sleep. Today is a good day of practice to be kinder to myself and work through my low days. I can only get better at them with practice.

What I Offer (My Value, “Buyer-mindset” NOT “Seller-mindset”, Cool & Persistent):

This list is sorta the “50 great things about me” that has been recommended. I just need a day to remember these and be grateful for being me.

  • Fit/athletic
  • Funny
  • Blunt yet charming
  • Attractive/sexy/stylish/well-groomed/good-smelling
  • Emotional/caring (working on being this without being needy – probably like 70% there, but I still sometimes feel needy)
  • Independent
  • Cool interests, thoughts
  • Damn near can talk to anyone (though I’ve been practicing being more strategic with who I do talk to or ejecting if I see no purpose in it)
  • Very positive and upbeat (though not toxically so) – got complimented on this at my chiro office. They said that they don’t worry about me like they do other people – very sweet of them
  • Open-minded yet still true to my own opinions and beliefs

WINS:

  • Fat caliper has me at 10% bodyfat – I think that I’m just bad at measuring. I asked an active, fit friend of mine check out my physique, and he placed me at around 12%-13%. This is still awesome, and I am grateful. I am leaner and veinier than I ever have been in my life. I easily “mog” most people at my rock climbing gym (plus you can go shirtless there) and in public… caught some chick mirin’ me the whole time there. Unfortunately, I was not interested – I’ll take the validation tho. Fitter, tighter, and more tailored clothes definitely help accentuate my physique and make me feel more confident in my efforts so far.
  • New workout routine is going well… some of my joints (shoulders, elbows, hands) are definitely feeling a little strained. I’ll keep easing into my new routine to avoid injury, but I am definitely stronger. I did 5 muscle ups yesterday and was able to do a handstand hold for ~10sec (without using the wall or support). Getting better at tuck planches, L-sits are too easy, and finally working slowly to a Front Lever
  • Got the chest tat last Sunday… left some space to fill it in another session and have a full chest piece. I fucking love my tattoos so far. Some days I have momentary panic of “oh my god this is permanent”, “i can never go back”, and “this tattoo looks like shit”… but then I realize a few things:
    • Yes, this is indeed permanent until I die, which in that case it [life] is not permanent
    • Going back is not an option – the old me was unhappy and knew I was a loser. I feel much cooler with my tattoos, and I really like them. I purposefully write a small essay for each before I get them, so they can help remind me what I am working towards or moving away from. They help remind me when I get in a weird headspace of what I want to go after
  • My tattoos so far look great – but I sometimes focus on the negative “TOO MUCH”. Just like me, sure they have imperfections – but I am growing to love imperfections. In fact, I find imperfections sexy (in myself and others)… I just need to be easier on myself as well as embrace their (and my own) imperfections
  • New athleisure clothes coming in today. I think my archetypes and style will focus on the dark, edgy fit look over the emo/goth look that I like. With my physique, I should definitely be showing it off… Tattoos, piercings, dark clothes yet stylish athleisure clothes, fit body. I think that I am a not-so-secret exhibitionist. I love running without my shirt and watching people look at me. I know that I am fit and look good, and I can tell they think the same thing. I love being a darker dressed person than the public (I especially stick out since I’m about the only dark-dressed white person around). I know this is polarizing in a sense, but I’d rather stand out (reasonably not like Lizard Man) in public than blend in. I’m sick of blending in
  • Finally got all my piercing jewelry the same color (black) and the way I want them… minor, but I want them to accentuate my face and not be too distracting from it
  • Been reading a lot… learning a lot… and trying to practice it all – especially staying cool & persistent (my new motto)