Tired Of Going Out

I had another fun weekend, but I am incredibly tired. Today, I feel like I was hit by a truck; I am not sick, but I do not feel good. I have been in a daze all day. Taking my Sunday “off” (turning off my phone and focusing on myself) has helped, but I need rest. With that and my soft goals of approach, I am going to prioritize sleep and rest again and indefinitely. I have made a lot of friends and talked to a lot of people, but the night scene does not work with me. I will shift to dating apps in the near future (still waiting on my tripod for some pics) as well as in-person to be more efficient with my time and energy.

Related to that, the crap sleep definitely has given me a lower mood. Not surprising, but I am in a phase right now where I need to be more careful of this. Previously (a few months ago or earlier), a bad night of sleep would not have been a huge deal, but I need my rest and healing to keep me sharp through this storm that I am weathering. I keep saying this, but this weekend is really kicking my ass – so I know that I cannot keep doing this. All that said, I have had wonderful outings with old and [mostly] new friends, which I am grateful for. A tangential note, I have noticed my apartment neighbor is often alone (even on weekends) and does not leave her place much. I do not plan to take any action on this, but it is a nice reminder of what I have versus what I could not have (i.e. I could be sitting alone on weekend staring at my computer alone crying). I am blessed.

I was a little upset that a girl that I texted flaked on me, but again, it is good rejection experience. She told me in-person how interested she was in me, gave me her number, was down for drinks and hang out, said she had nothing going on, and then disappeared after I set a time for us to meet. Again, my texting sucks, but I feel like I get a little farther each time. I had a great weekend without her with my other friends and danced with some other girls, so I do not think that I missed out on much.

I spent quite a bit of time today writing and thinking more. I tweaked my goals, my elevator pitch of myself (to use as a short intro/resume when meeting new people without sound so damn boring), applied to more bartending jobs (saved a longer list of even more to apply to), wrote up my future tattoo ideas and their meanings (I make myself write a short essay for each tattoo that I want beforehand), and wrote up some old relationship therapy notes.

Going through these old notes, I realized how fucked the relationship was. Therapy catered to a very feminized way of communicating and empathizing that is frankly exhausting to me. Although I understand why it is bad quantify who was wronged or hurt more from every little conflict, I also think it is just as deleterious to overemphasize someone’s feelings over their actions/impacts/intentions. Some of my notes were about me asking more questions, having to soften my communication, having to prioritize someone else’s emotions over mine, etc. I will not pretend that my notes are wholly accurate of everything that we talked about, but I felt like I really gave a lot of effort to have it never be enough. Instead of me having to give so much, I am learning that I do not have to do so much so long as I am honest and frank about it. Giving too much (as I would argue some therapy goes for) is unsustainable. Being in the position that I am now is much harder but also more liberating. Anyways, I do not want to go into too much more details about all that.

I am ready for rest, so I can keep kicking ass.