Tired Of Going Out

I had another fun weekend, but I am incredibly tired. Today, I feel like I was hit by a truck; I am not sick, but I do not feel good. I have been in a daze all day. Taking my Sunday “off” (turning off my phone and focusing on myself) has helped, but I need rest. With that and my soft goals of approach, I am going to prioritize sleep and rest again and indefinitely. I have made a lot of friends and talked to a lot of people, but the night scene does not work for me. I will shift to dating apps in the near future (still waiting on my tripod for some pics) as well as in person to be more efficient with my time and energy.

Related to that, the crap sleep has definitely given me a lower mood. Not surprising, but I am in a phase right now where I need to be more careful of this. Previously (a few months ago or earlier), a bad night of sleep would not have been a huge deal, but I need my rest and healing to keep me sharp through this storm that I am weathering. I keep saying this, but this weekend is really kicking my ass – so I know that I cannot keep doing this. All that said, I have had wonderful outings with old and [mostly] new friends, which I am grateful for. A tangential note, I have noticed my apartment neighbor is often alone (even on weekends) and does not leave her place much. I do not plan to take any action on this, but it is a nice reminder of what I have versus what I could not have (i.e. I could be sitting alone on the weekend staring at my computer alone crying). I am blessed.

I was a little upset that a girl that I texted flaked on me, but again, it is good rejection experience. She told me in person how interested she was in me, gave me her number, was down for drinks and hanging out, said she had nothing going on, and then disappeared after I set a time for us to meet. Again, my texting sucks, but I feel like I get a little farther each time. I had a great weekend without her with my other friends and danced with some other girls, so I do not think that I missed out on much.

I spent quite a bit of time today writing and thinking more. I tweaked my goals, my elevator pitch of myself (to use as a short intro/resume when meeting new people without sounding so damn boring), applied to more bartending jobs (saved a longer list of even more to apply to), wrote up my future tattoo ideas and their meanings (I make myself write a short essay for each tattoo that I want beforehand), and wrote up some old relationship therapy notes.

Going through these old notes, I realized how fucked the relationship was. Therapy catered to a very feminized way of communicating and empathizing that is frankly exhausting to me. Although I understand why it is bad to quantify who was wronged or hurt more from every little conflict, I also think it is just as deleterious to overemphasize someone’s feelings over their actions/impacts/intentions. Some of my notes were about me asking more questions, having to soften my communication, having to prioritize someone else’s emotions over mine, etc. I will not pretend that my notes are wholly accurate of everything that we talked about, but I felt like I really gave a lot of effort to have it never be enough. Instead of me having to give so much, I am learning that I do not have to do so much so long as I am honest and frank about it. Giving too much (as I would argue some therapy goes for) is unsustainable. Being in the position that I am now is much harder but also more liberating. Anyways, I do not want to go into too much more detail about all that.

I am ready for rest, so I can keep kicking ass.