More Ups Than Downs
6 minute read
I never thought that I would have to say this, but I have partied too hard in the last few days :)
Not partying hard as in getting deep into bad shit, but I have been going out and enjoying the hell out of it. I could very easily CHOOSE to sit at my place and be sad and depressed while staring at the walls, but I CHOOSE not to. This is the first time in my life that I have truly been free; I cannot keep this up forever, but I am enjoying the moments. Life is beautiful and fun – even with the highs and lows. I slowly feel that I am becoming an adult man, not just in age, but in mindset, feeling, and action. Leaving my small hometown and parents when I was a teenager, leaving the military when I was a young adult, leaving the high-paying yet restrictive job, and finally leaving a relationship that just never really worked [after nearly a decade] – has been liberating. This is the first time in my life that I have really been alone and on my own. I have felt some of my lowest lows in the recent past, but I have also enjoyed my highest highs. I have more friends than ever hanging out with me, sharing experiencing, and encouraging me. I can taste what my future looks like; I need to keep pushing through.
Dancing lessons; perfecting my handstands; running faster than I have in years; being leaner (and feeling sexier than ever); new bars in my area; being less afraid to approach men, women, couples, groups, etc.; making new friends; and getting more numbers from cute girls. I now know what I want from my near-term future.
After reading a lot, I can see that my #1 goal is: cultivating a healthy, confident [and hence attractive] mindset.
This “vibe” as the kids call it – is invaluable – priceless. This is not something than can be bought, substituted, or found. This can only be cultivated and grown – and to struggle is to grow. Finally, women especially can pick up on this mindset – my new female friends have all described me as friendly and warm <– this may not be the dominant, confident bad-boi appearance that I think that I am going for, but it is surely better than being negative, scary, or creepy
Today, I am resting, cleaning, and taking a break from the phone to journal more, write out my goals [again], and read. I have enjoyed reading a lot from others to see examples of success and struggle. I love the vulnerability because it is so hard to be vulnerable. Sometimes, it is even painful to be vulnerable (or at least for me it has been).
Quick Summary: More Good Vibes, Lesbians are Solid Friends/Wingmen, Finding my “Scene”
I have lost almost 15lbs over the last 2 months (BF 13%-16% down from 18%) – even through not eating at all or binging. This has not been entirely healthy or intentional, but it just is (and I am thankful for it). My workouts are better; I am way stronger; I look much better; I feel so much better.
My salsa dancing has improved quite a bit, which is fun and helps me relate a lot better to the local culture and people. I have made more friends from it and received more rejection (a gift) from more girls because of it. My mind is stronger from it – and I am less scared of failure now more than ever.
I made more friends with another lesbian couple last Friday (of course, I always find them somehow). They were very kind sweet and kind – and we had fun playing a game of “dare” by getting me to approach random, cute girls that they picked out. I would not say lesbian couples are the best with this sort of coaching (they have a different mindset of how to talk to women), but it was nice to have support and encouragement while doing it. To give them a lot of credit, they were all about setting me up with their friends, sisters, and random strangers. This was more interaction than my normal, timid dude friends give me, so I see the value in it. It was fun, nerve-racking, and very different. I would do it again. I ended up with about 5 rejections, but I did get a number from a lady that wanted to give me her number. I took it but was not interested – I am a small dude and she was too big for me LOL
Saturday, I went out with my newly single lesbian friend (from an earlier post) to the local gay bars, which have a pretty good demographic of girls there. The people are usually more relaxed, open-minded, friendlier, and sexier than the normal clubs (in my honest opinion – also most dudes are gay whereas the girls are bi, so there is not a lot of competition). I helped encourage my friend to ask a girl for her number, and she let me do my thing and get the number from a college girl that I accidentally sat down next to. I definitely got infatuated with college girl but less so than my previous encounters… I believe this is good practice for me to see and feel the abundance; otherwise, I would be a stage-5 clinger. This girl reminded me so much of a high school sorta-girlfriend: same curly/wavy Hispanic hair, cute smile, relaxed vibe, laughs, etc. Of course I brought up emo music, and we talked a little bit about the genre. This was a short interaction – maybe 20 minutes before she left, but the nostalgia (of thinking of the positive experience with my high school girlfriend) alone was pleasant. I have to remind myself that I have had and do deserve good relationships – even if I do not expect anything to come of this particular one.
This gives me a lot of hope that I do not have to put up with bad tempers and emotions out of scarcity anymore – there are innumerable, healthy cute girls out there. If we do not “vibe”, then I can leave without a second thought. I am not trapped. We do not have to sacrifice parts of ourselves for each other. We can just be – and negotiate everything else from there [or separate].