Meeting Healthier People For Once
7 minute read
I went out to a bar crawl last night and had a fun time. I was feeling sad for myself again, but as always, I had to remind myself that every time that I go out – being open and friendly – I always have a good time. Last night was the best night that I have had in while.
I pre-gamed to save some cash at the bars, but I did partially overdo it. Luckily, I still hate drinking (and getting hangovers), but I realized that I should definitely cut down my booze intake for these outings. I “only” had 5 drinks (2 at home and 3 at the bars), but for me, that is a lot. But anyways, I popped a decent buzz and got me a Lyft. My driver was super nice and even hyped me up – she said I was a pretty cute white boy and the latinas around here love that. I laughed pretty hard when she told me that, but I also really appreciated the intention. She was wishing me a great night, and it absolutely worked.
I got to the first bar and walked right up to the first dude sitting by himself from the party group. We chatted a little bit, and of fucking course, he is going through a divorce. He is a lot healthier about the whole situation [than many of the other people that I have met], and we chatted about relationships and getting out there. I appreciate that he was friendly enough when I did not know a soul there (I think he was a bit of an outcast being a lot older with kids and going through a divorce). The best advice he gave me was to go out without intentions of wanting to find someone <– This sounds obvious, but a broken heart seeks out some love/validation/attention. I have definitely been going out with a broken heart, and I swear/know that women can sense this. They have all been friendly but ultimately uninterested. I am glad he said this because it helped set my frame right for the rest of the night.
We chatted until moving to the next bar and started scoping out the chicks there to see who to talk to next. Of course this sort of contradicts the previous advice, but I had shifted my mental frame a lot from neediness/desperation to curiosity. I just wanted to talk to some cute girls (and not be the guy that wanders around alone or only talking to other dudes – nothing wrong with that but not for me). A big subgroup of ladies from the larger group came out and started to kind of dance (bobbing around), so I did as well. The ladies loved it, and this was a happy accident to get me talking to the girl directly next to me.
She was nerdy but really cute – not necessarily my type, but she ended up being a diamond in the rough (hmmm… I am trying to describe this in a good way. She was wearing cute glasses and plain (no makeup) although she had a good figure, dressed accordingly, and had nice nails). She said she was out looking for friends after going through a divorce herself (damn, I sniff out these divorcees), so it makes sense that she was not trying to come off super sexual or hot. We bonded over bad relationships, first time coming to the pub crawl, being vulnerable (she said her therapist told her to stop being TMI – too much info; which I said fuck that be open and real), and other things. I think for the moment and our experiences, this was exactly how we needed to be. Looking back, I partly wished that I played more in a masculine, sexual/flirty frame, but I am also happy that I did not. My confidence and calm are easier to manage when I do not feel like I am flirting or that I have a desired end goal in mind (i.e. sex) <– At least for the moment, I still need some time and healing to work on that framing.
We ended up talking the whole night (4-5 hrs). She followed me to each subsequent bar, waited for me (since security only pats down males), and would sit next to me (of course, I told her sit next to me the first time and she was comfortable after that). She told me a lot about her life, showed me tattoos (including a hip one on her phone where she was half-naked), her fitness pictures (i.e. booty pics), and her ambitions and goals. She is only 21 and actually has goals <– This was easily the most attractive thing about her. I have not met a woman who had this level of ambitions and goals especially at such a young age (hell, I am not even at her level). We touched every now and then, briefly held hands (I wished I would have actually held her hand, but I was in my head about it), and looked deeply into each other eyes the whole night. I felt like I had a high school crush again – just that 1-on-1, undistracted, infatuated few hours of talking with a woman that I have not had in years. Although I am a man now and have more wants than I did then, I enjoyed the time and feeling of love <– I think that I am using too strong of words here: infatuation, love, etc. It was more of a calm “love” or calm crush; I think that captures the feeling better. I was not head over heels, but I very much enjoyed the whole time. I did not feel the pressure to bounce around, talk to a lot of people, try to get a lot of numbers, etc. It was nice to be steady – I felt that she enjoyed that, too. I have not felt that since my high school relationships like where you go on a field trip and end up dating someone by the end because you sat next to each other the whole time on the bus.
Anyways, we stayed out until the bars closed, and I walked her back to her truck. She asked how I was getting home, and I unabashedly asked for a ride since it was only a mile away (albeit cold). She took me back, we hugged twice, and I got her number with a promise to go dancing with me this week. I do not have any expectations of her, and from my previous experiences, I am not hurting so much for her to like or validate me. She might have been going out for friends or attention, but she is a kind, caring, and driven soul. More than anything, I felt like I talked to a real, present, and attractive lady. This felt more natural and gives me more hope for my future interactions with other ladies. Maybe the man (me) really does set the frame, and the woman responds appropriately. This was great experience for me to trust myself and not worry so much getting out there. And I appreciate her so much for helping me live a night without sadness.