Going Out And Finding More Damaged People
5 minute read
I do not know how I attract, find, or look for the the damaged people, but damn, this has always been a super power of mine. I went to the local neighborhood bar, and unsurprisingly it was fairly dead for a late Sunday night. Only one other person at the bar, and he was staring at his phone. The bartenders were friendly enough, but I could sense they were not really present <– this is a pet peeve of mine. I do it too and understand not everyone exists to be present [for me], but I really do not like the feeling when someone, even a stranger, is distant. Maybe I should ask them what is on their mind instead of being perturbed by it. I know I am distant when I am thinking or hurting sometimes, too.
I took my drink outside and walked around the outdoor section. There was a tattooed dude and cute girl that had came in earlier… I walked over and asked if I could sit down and talk with them since it was a dead night. They appeared to be on a date, but they said [twice] that they were not. Something along the lines of being the friends to each other’s best friend’s cousins or something like that. I said that I just moved to the area and have been looking to find friends closer to where I live (since all my others are farther away). This led to where they live, to what they do, to all three of us having recently gotten out of relationships, and then things get interesting. The dude, although very nice, is completely checked out at this point. He is staring at his phone, I try to ask him questions and get him to talk, but the [hot] girl keeps interrupting and dominating the conversation. She has become an evangelical Christian, which is fine to me aside from the evangelical or preachy part <– I realized that I really do not like preachy people (religious or not) because I feel very judged, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells (not be myself), and typically, I cannot get a word in (the conversations are very one-sided).
But I understand better now, especially after staring into her eyes, that she is holding back a lot of pain and insecurity. To keep it short, she said that:
- She has killed one of her “baby daddy” [in self-defense] because he attempted to kill her (she said she stabbed him in the neck)
- She used to be a drug/coke/pill addict
- She used to DUI all the time
Now, this is A LOT to tell a random person [me] that you just met. She then got into how God had saved her because otherwise she would be dead or in jail. I would tend to agree, but damn, that is a lot of pain and burden to carry around by yourself. However, she just went on and on about God and wanting to help me be a witness to the Lord and all that. I am not religious though things like this do not bother when they are not preachy and evangelical. The conversation became very one-sided, tedious, and the other dude was quiet. He eventually left, and I left when he did as well.
I wished that I was better at ejecting once things get too tedious like this <– oddly enough given all that, only the preachy part really scared me away. I would not date her, but her pushiness was the only repelling part of her personality. I think that I give cute, damaged girls more leeway, which can put me in bad situations. Most of my relationships have always been with an emotionally unstable lover.
I believe a lot of this is a pattern and a self-worth issue. Coming from my earlier times of insecurity and low-self worth, I was happy to get any [female] attention. Now, I do not feel as insecure (it is still there but not as much), but this is still a strong pattern for me that I keep living out. I have a desire to help, to care for, and to love, but damn, it always comes at the cost of myself, my heart, and my sanity. I think that I do need therapy eventually. I have been in other therapies and will be starting back again soon. But damn, I really need to watch out.
2 toxic relationships in 1 weekend. That is a lot to find. I also think it is a beautiful thing of life. Life is not always pretty, positive, or perfect, and I hope that those people receive the healing and peace that they need. I also need to give that to myself.