The Turning Point Of My Life
7 minute read
Note: this was written a month and a half after separating from my ex-spouse. I was going out during a low point of my life to make sure I did not isolate myself as I sometimes tend to do in low moods
I am thankfully in a good, stable spot job- and housing-wise. I have met new, wonderful people recently and have created great memories. But now is definitely a turning point for my life and future. I do not say that in such a serious, scary way, but I know all the things that I have wanted to work on and improve – but did not. Now, I am not accepting my excuses anymore. So, what does that mean?
I want to get out more. Keep making those solid friends and talking to cute girls. The friend part comes a lot easier for me (I’ve made friends with a straight dude, gay guy, lesbian couple, emo bartender, etc. – within the last month), but I am definitely in my own head when it comes to cute girls. I am considering making it a daily goal to go out and talk to at least a cute girl – one interaction / day. I do get nervous, but a lot of my hesitation is me feeling like a burden to them. I know that is not true… but I need the positive reference experience to tell myself otherwise. I just need to talk to them. Easy enough, but man the consistency will be hard (or will it? – are there not enough women in the world or my city? Yes.). I am vulnerable enough to admit that I can be alone and with myself most of the time, but I absolutely want to give and receive love, affection, and more. I think admitting that is healthier, so that I do not suppress it so much or become a stage 7 clinger like I have been.
All that being said or rambled, I have a funny and not so funny story:
Friday, I went to a chill, roof-top bar with a friend in the area. We sat, drank, smoked, and just talked. It was very pleasant. I had talked to random groups (bartenders and military group), but I had intentionally avoided a few pairs of the women that had caught my eye <– there it is; I intentionally avoid cute women. At one point of the night, a lesbian couple [one bisexual and one lesbian] comes over and asks if I want their drink since they are heading out (one of them had work early the next day). I happily obliged after making sure it was not poisoned by letting one drink it a few times. After being satisfied with that, I talked with them <– again, I make the approach part difficult with me initiating but not when other women initiate. The bi one… was very sexual and feeling me up most of the time; I reciprocated with touch, but I mean she was checking out my butt, rubbing my legs, lifted up my shirt at one point to see my abs… I mean what more could I ask for?
However, I knew she was in a relationship with the other girl, and I have been cheated on before – I know it feels terrible. So even though I enjoyed the touch and attention, I felt guilty the whole time even though I was not the one doing the cheating. The lesbian told me she was uncomfortable with her girlfriend acting like that, but she knew that she could not change her. Did I mention they were engaged? – “were” is the keyword here. That made me feel even more guilty even though she did not make me feel bad about it. – Taking a quick pause, these are red flags in case anyone missed them: overtly sexual women, history of breakups and jealousy… –
BUT, did I think anyone of that? Nah, we traded Instagrams and phone numbers promising to be friends (and I really meant it, though of course I wanted more). We continue drinking and taking shots over the course of the night. We go to a new bar, and security barely allows me in (after 2 minutes of interrogation)… We dance, I grind with the bisexual and some other hot girl. At this point, the night starts blurring really badly… the lesbian starts getting very upset and jealous and goes to the bathroom. I would love to say none of this bothered me, but again, infidelity is a sore spot for me (less so these days, but it is still an insecurity thing). The confused boner of a willing girl in front of me who wants to cheat on me to her girlfriend’s protests is fucked… and I am drunk and whatever other headspace that is.
Thankfully, my buddy whisks me away and drops me off at my home when we break off from the couple. Then the lesbian calls me and tells me that she and girlfriend got in a fight. The bisexual hit the other in the head (to where she was bleeding) and told her to get all her stuff out and leave from their place. She asks if I could help her… I send her my address (LOL bad idea thinking about it now, but thankfully she did not come to my place) if she needed a place to crash. I shortly pass out.
The next day she texted me asking if I could help her move. I figured why not (again, probably not a good idea, but thankfully she did not end up needing me. I think she was looking for some more emotional comfort than actual physical help). After that she thanked me for being responsive and helpful, and I told her that I am happy to help and be friend whenever needed. I really did want to make some new friends – especially women friends regardless. I know that I am missing out on a certain experience and practice not having good female friends at this stage in my life. Of course the damn ones that I meet are in a toxic, abusive relationship with each other.
I ended up with the bisexual’s Instagram and had sent her a drunk message about having a good night and trying to get her phone number. She (being the physical abuser) probably wants to forget the night and everyone from it. Even though she is toxic as fuck, man those damn bi girls (bisexual and bipolar) just get me <– I suppose this is another insecurity thing of only thinking that I deserve damaged women – not healthy ones to be in a relationship with me.
Looking back, I do not know why I thought the night was funny. Two hurt people who I thought would be fun friends only dragged me into their pain. I think that I remembered it as a funny night to cope with the sadness I felt through the whole time.
This journaling helped me realize more weaknesses in myself that I had not before. I really did enjoy the night (aside from the ending), but I also thought the whole ordeal was sad. I accidentally caused a couple to break up (though I guess it was from their own problems and not me myself). I am trying to be more open and vulnerable this year, and I have met more people in doing so. I have also felt more pain and realized more about myself in the process of it. I want to be a strong, masculine man one day, but maybe I do not need to be that at all right now. I am learning so much more in the process of it all.
That is all for now. Thanks for anyone reading.
EDIT: Right after I wrote this, I realized that I am not done. This will be short.